Bill Clinton

This is the beginning of my Wikipedia play written for Ars Nova--they will be done in August. As always, this is a firt draft. (JAMES in a spot. The 10 or so interns are moving around in the background trying to look useful and busy.) JAMES Recently, by some sort of a cosmic fluke, I made two million dollars. I took a couple of my notebooks and gave them to my friend who was this like assistant editor and he made them into an anti novel slacker manifesto called “Runk.” It’s not even a real word. A lot of it was doodles I did when I was supposed to be filing at various temp jobs I held. It sort of has a narrative and it sort of doesn’t. It’s funny in parts. There’s some poetry and some string and some photos of my childhood dog. One page is a coffee stain. My “book” was hailed as a work of unadulterated genius by some and a waste of time and trees by others. But now, I’m suddenly wealthy. So I sort of don’t have to do anything anymore. So I don’t . . . do anything. When my recent success got back to my alma mater, they asked me if I wanted to be part of their internship program and I thought what the hell. And so now I have all these interns but I don’t really have a lot for them to do um . . . at all. (to INTERN 1, male, who is reading from a computer screen.) How’s it coming? INTERN 1 Good, good. JAMES I got him reading the internet. I said, read the internet and then report on it. He takes it very seriously. INTERN 1 I’m learning a lot. (INTERN 2, female approaches.) INTERN 2 You want me to take your laundry? JAMES Nah. I’m sort of wearing the same thing as yesterday. INTERN 2 Oh. JAMES Maybe tomorrow. INTERN 2 OK. You want me to vacuum again? JAMES Maybe later. You want to help that guy over there answer my fan mail? INTERN 2 OK. JAMES Just write whatever you want. You can sign my name if you want. INTERN 2 Really? JAMES Yeah. (to audience) Oh, so there is one thing. So one of the interns, she um . . . (Enter INTERN 3, female, the intern JAMES was about to tell us about.) INTERN 3 Hi. JAMES Hey. INTERN 3 So what do you want me to do? JAMES What do you want to do? INTERN 3 I dunno. What do you want me to do? JAMES Um, I don’t know. What did I have you do yesterday? INTERN 3 I sort of followed you around and took notes. JAMES Did you like that? INTERN 3 Sure. JAMES OK, let’s do that. INTERN 3 Cool. JAMES So this is Janice. INTERN 3 Hi. JAMES Um, don’t listen to what I’m saying for a second. So, um I know Janice is my intern and everything, but um, I kind of— (Enter ANDY who interrupts. JAMES and ANDY are in a sort of bar space away from the busy interns.) ANDY You dig her. JAMES Well yeah, but she’s my intern. ANDY So what? You just go Bill Clinton on her ass. You’re like, hey intern girl why don’t you stay a little after everyone goes and then bam bam thank you ma’am have a cigar, don’t wash that dress, don’t tell your friend or get me subpoenaed. You know what I’m saying? JAMES I think so. ANDY I don’t think you know what I’m saying. JAMES No, no. I get it. ANDY All right. JAMES You want another drink? ANDY You buying?