Thursday, October 27, 2005
Fake article from my friend Larry, guest blogger
ELTON JOHN TO RE-RECORD 'CANDLE IN THE WIND' IN HONOR OF NOT-FAMOUS DEAD WOMAN -Steve Klapman, 42, was unsure of what music to use for his late wife's memorial service until he learned that Elton John already had his demo in the mail. "I was too upset to think what she'd have wanted,"Klapman, an IT Provider, told reporters earlier today,"But then my friend Todd brought a tape of Elton John singing about her, and so now I guess I don't have to wonder any more. I'm still upset, though." The tape in question was a demo of Elton John's latest single, John's second remake of the popular dirge"Candle In The Wind," which was made possible through the thoughtfulness of a friend of the widower. "It's a good thing this bloke Todd came up with the idea for his mate Steve," phoned John from acrystal-sculpture-purchasing spree in Aspen, "I felt it was time. Time to to sing the world to tears again. Only no one famous had died lately." The tape was unofficially commissioned by Todd Gakk,who has worked closely with Klapman in several IT departents of several mid-level companies, after Gakk sent the idea to John to help Klapman with his loss. "Steve's a pretty ugly guy, like me," Gakk, dressed in a "No Fat Chicks!" t-shirt, said during a lunch breakat his office, "and ugly guys usually don't have a lot of friends, it's a scientific fact. Steve's my only friend, and the only one I know who's ever had a girl, so I couldn't let this whole memorial thing go by without getting Elton John involved. If his chick were here, she'd probably dig that. Steve's chick. Not Elton's. Steve's chick's the one who died. At least according to Steve. Elton's pretty much a fag." Upon learning of Klapman's loss through a note from Gakk, the "Rocketman" wasted no time in composing - or re-composing - his original song. "I used to think if there were one bird I'd've liked to know, it were Marilyn, but I was just a kid," John waxed nostalgic upon his original inspiration, "and that got me to think, 'There's A Song In There,Guv'nor,' and then when Lady Di died, I thought, 'if Iwere just a kid, I wouldn't have known her, either, just like with Marilyn.' And with this other bird, I mean, unless I'd have paid her to clean me house or somefing, I'd have never known her at all, which I didn't. It makes you think." "Yankee Lass," John's remake of "English Rose," a remake of "Candle in The Wind," speaks of saying goodbye to a young woman who will go down in history as not having a role in history." Well it seems to me you lived your life like a Yankee Lass who wasn't famous Always working in an office married to a guy from Tech And I would have liked to've known you but I'm too rich to work Your Yankee Lass-ness faded far too soon in this world filled with Mets fans The memorial service, planned for this evening, faced two obstacles. The first was Klappman's ambivalence. "I guess I thought it was cool when Elton was writing about famous dead chicks," the widower confessed, "but Stacey didn't have much of a following. She just answered the phones. Plus before she was all mine. And now she's the world's. I guess I know how Arthur Miller feels. Or felt." The second complication arose when a court order the service, attended by Klapman and Gakk, to cease and desist. The court order was written in the name of Stacey Klappman. "First of all, Steve and I are not married," Ms. Klappman, who is also not dead, informed well-wishers,"we just have the same last name. But we had the same last name before we met. Second, we never even went out. I just smiled at him in the elevator once. And third, I'm not dead. I just changed jobs." "Well she's dead to me," an embarrassed Mr. Klapman replied to the announcement, "and mourning's not forthe dead or the claimed-to-be-dead, it's for the living. Or the living who's doing the dead-claiming." "This figures," Mr. Gakk replied, "Steve's always doing stuff like this. He's a douche." Ms. Klappman's legal intervention has stopped the service, but the orders do not extend to Mr. John's use of the song." I actually think the song's kind of awesome," Ms. Klappman told VH1, " and I'm hoping they'll put old footage of me in the video with Nat King Cole." And so the song still resonates, with both the living, and the assumed dead.