Friday, January 27, 2006
I admitted in class that I feel like I am addicted to playwriting. Then I became somewhat embarrassed. I felt like I was taking myself too seriously, making myself look ridiculously tragic as if it's something I can't stop doing, which of course I really can't. Not if I want to keep on an even keel. Don't get me wrong--It's not an addiction I'm trying to kick or anything but definitely something that needs to be fed. Because if I'm not writing, I'm kind of on edge, moody, angry at myself. Although I'm not ever too long not writing. And I'm not trying to say I'm at a computer all the time actually typing. The planning stages is 2/3 of the process for me generally but it's a time when I'm jonesing to get into the world and start the typing. Mostly it's just that I never really am not writing something. I'm always rewriting something or trying to figure out something new. And it wasn't like this when I started. It was college and it was a play on summer break. Then a play winter break and summer break and then school ended and work descended and it was all the time like it is now. I've written two full lengths in the past 7 or so months which is fast for me but I'm also not seeing a new one directly in front of me. It'll be a little bit for this next one--whichever one it turns out to be. And I have to say that's getting under my skin a little. I know if I start just writing something long without figuring most of it out it will be bad but I'm so jonesin to do it. But I bide my time with this discovery of this and that discovery of that until one of the ideas comes close enough that I can make it out. And then I can look at it a bit but soon I'm getting up early and putting in my time--loving every second when it's going well and pissed off when it's not, but all the time wanting to get back to that escape of a place and sort it out and live it out. Until it's over and I'm depressed and maybe at the same time elated but then needing it again not too much long after. When I first discovered playwriting I was looking for others like me, but most people are not like this. They don't have this problem. I don't know what problems other people have. But not this one. Other people have real problems. This isn't even a problem, really. I don't know that I want to continue to write like this in a public forum. But how many people actually read this anyway? Until fame and fortune comes, (tomorrow probably) I'm safe.