GOD HOLE FOR SANTA

The original 1st scene of a play I'm working on. i'm not going to use this at all because I decided we shouldn't ever hear god. but here is the rejected 1st scene followed by another scene i can't use at all.

(JULIUS sits on a beat-up couch. He stares at a television and holds a video game controller in his hand. He is playing furiously. JULIUS is dressed hipster sloppy, and it may take us a second to notice his large pointy ears, the only clue to us that he is an elf. )

(We watch JULIUS play for a while and then a booming voice interrupts.)

VOICE OF GOD JULIUS!

JULIUS (not looking up) What?

VOICE OF GOD JULIUS! This is your Lord.

JULIUS Who?

VOICE OF GOD This is God speaking. Can I get your undivided attention?

JULIUS (Putting down his controller, looking around.) God?

VOICE OF GOD Thou hast been chosen.

JULIUS What?

VOICE OF GOD Thou art the chosen one. I come onto you to tell you I have chosen you.

JULIUS For what?

VOICE OF GOD You are he.

JULIUS Who?

VOICE OF GOD He!

JULIUS Who?

VOICE OF GOD HE!

JULIUS Well what does that mean?

VOICE OF GOD Don’t ask questions. Have faith.

JULIUS In what?

VOICE OF GOD In me.

JULIUS Well, OK, but you got to give me a little more information. God! (silence) Hey, God! (no answer) God! God! GOD!!

(JULIUS stares of into space for a minute and then picks up his controller and continues to play his game.)

--------

(Exit ELLIE. JULIUS goes back to playing his game.)

VOICE OF GOD Julius!

JULIUS Oh, Shit! You scared me.

VOICE OF GOD Julius!

JULIUS God?

VOICE OF GOD It is I.

JULIUS God, when you said I was the chosen one, what does that mean exactly? Like I’m the most special? Like the most special on the Earth? Is that a fair assessment?

VOICE OF GOD Let me tell you a story.

JULIUS OK.

VOICE OF GOD Once there was a lonely sheep herder who lived in the mountains.

JULIUS What was his name?

VOICE OF GOD It’s not important. This sheep herder herded the sheep by day and by night looked up at the stars and wished for something more. One night I sent an angel down to talk to this sheep herder.

JULIUS Why didn’t you go talk to him yourself?

VOICE OF GOD Stop interrupting. The angel said unto him, “Sheep herder, you will be given a test by God. You will be asked to do something and you must do it without questioning or thinking for yourself. You must prove your love of God and your faith in Him.” The sheep herder wanted to know what he would be asked to do but the angel would say no more and flew away.

(Pause)

JULIUS Is that the whole story?

VOICE OF GOD Now Julius, the time has come for you, the chosen one. I give unto you a blessed task to prove you are worthy and to show your love for me and for the universe I created.

JULIUS Oh. Well, I dunno. I’m kind of busy right now what with the job search and all and I really had to pick up slack here helping my dad out since my mother died.

VOICE OF GOD Julius, don’t bullshit God.

JULIUS Sorry. Do I have the option to say no to your request?

VOICE OF GOD Do you not know that I am your Lord God and that saying no to me might be a very bad idea?

JULIUS All right. (He sighs.) What do you want me to do?

VOICE OF GOD Kill Santa.

JULIUS Wait, what? (Beat) What did you just say? (Beat) God! Hey, God, come back here. (Pause) Why do you keep doing that?