He rises as he sees us.)
TOM
Hey, hi there. Come on in. Yeah. Hi. I'm Tom.
Does anyone want any cheese or anything? I got some
cheese. American cheese? You want some? There might
be some Triscuits too but I'm not sure how long they
been in there so… you might be taking a chance going
with those. Yeah, take off your coats. Right. So.
So, um I'm here to talk to you about how to pick up
chicks. Normally my friend Phil teaches this seminar
but he got some job doing some kind of consulting. He
can't talk about it but he asked me to fill in today.
Because, um, I'm currently unemployed. I had a job
though until recently . . . My former boss-- when I
used to say to someone, "yeah I work at the Electronic
Superstore" he would be like "No, don't say you work.
You are employed by the Electronic Superstore." He
was kind of an asshole.
Oh, um so maybe now would be a good time for you to
give me the money for the session. Yeah a check is
ok. Thomas Hond. H-O-N-D. Cool. Yeah just right,
leave it on the table there. Cool. Is everyone here?
Cool. So like I was saying: how to pick up chicks.
First of all are any of you rich? Let's say you're
rich, you should go out and buy real nice clothes and
have a real nice car and you should just carry around
a lot of money. Let's say you see a hot girl. You
just flash the wad. Like this. You just flash it and
you go "look. Hey look." And she sees your wad and
she will go for you then. Or if you want to be slick
you go "hey so you want me to buy you a beer or
something" and then when you go to pay for the drink
you take out a huge wad and she sees the wad and she
thinks yeah that's the kind of guy I want to go home
with tonight.
I tell you, if I was rich, I bet Cindy wouldn't have
left me. She was like "you got fired again?" and she
was out the door. Just out the door and I was like
"hold on" and she was like "you can't keep a job. I
can't be with a man who can't keep a job" and I was
like "fuck you bitch." And she was like "what did you
say to me?" Oh, so step two if you want to pick up a
girl, do not say "fuck you, bitch." Wait until she
sleeps with your best friend Phil and then dumps you
because you got-- because you are no longer employed.
Then you can say it, but don't expect her to stick
around or anything.
(From out in the yard we hear the sound of a dog
barking loudly. TOM shouts at the barking.)
Shut up! Shut up. Seriously. Shut up!
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