Monday, October 03, 2005

Postpartum

I'm trying to understand why when I finish a play I don't really feel a sense of elation but instead always feel a little depressed. Maybe it's because the possibilities are over--it still doesn't have the potential to be everything because now it's something and people can start judging it. Maybe it's because I'm leaving that world of the play behind and for a while, especially if it was going well, it was a place I could be in. It was fun. It was colorful and thrilled me in a way real life rarely does. And now that's over and there are fewer discoveries to make--(for me anyway)--ideally it will have a life and someone else will be making discoveries soon in a theatre or in a room not in my head. I'm at that place now where I'm finishing something and haven't started something else. It's a sad place sometimes. Maybe it's also because every finished piece is a kind of failure. There are things of course that I was unable to do. There are things I hoped my subconscious would create that I wouldn't know about and sometimes that happens but it's never as brilliant as I had hoped possible. Also I came into this playwriting thing at the age of 18 or so and I saw it as a way to understand the world. I thought if I studied Waiting for Godot and began to write I would discover the truth about the world and about the existence or non-existence of God. I thought I would understand how to live correctly. It's trite, I know but I was looking for the meaning of life. And part of me is a little disappointed each time I finish a play and I haven't been able to learn the secrets of the universe. At the same time I don't think I'm just writing stories. Not that there is anything wrong with a good story but I honestly think I'm trying to illuminate something--to figure out something about people. To make the world better. To help somehow--to uphold truth--to touch people emotionally--make them laugh, sure. Laugh as much as possible. To skewer with satire, sure although I don't know that satire is a tool of change--it may just be a tool of wit. I dunno. Am I getting anywhere at all? Is this a pointless pursuit. Who can say really? All I know is that as soon as possible I'm going to dive into writing something else so I don't have to think about how pointless the writing is or how more pointless and often fruitless the post creation work can be.

7 comments:

tina said...

Ooof. What a beautiful post. I can feel everything you said vividly, though I not be a playwright.

You go get to work, man. You're going to crack some kind of code for us, I'm sure of it.

Adam said...

Thanks, GM! I'm following the Tina in Jail very closely.

RB Ripley said...

Your post itself is proof that you are "getting somewhere." If you weren't, you sure as shootin' wouldn't be thinkin' about it. And if writing allows you the opportunity to examine the world and your place in it, then you ARE making the world a better place.

Keep writing and thanks for sharing.

Hikaru said...

Writing for writers is like sex. Completing a play is basically the equivalent of an orgasm. You feel euphoric for a bit, and then you realise (apologies for being graphic here) someone has to sleep in the wet spot.

P'tit Boo said...

Nicely said.
I only know that feeling from acting or directing. I think because i've only written one acts , i never got that while writing. though this current play is another story all together...
How do you make sure something is not your opus ?

Adam said...

I think everything is your opus until it's written. Then the next thing will surely be your opus.

P'tit Boo said...

mmmm. true.