Monday, October 03, 2005
I'm trying to understand why when I finish a play I don't really feel a sense of elation but instead always feel a little depressed. Maybe it's because the possibilities are over--it still doesn't have the potential to be everything because now it's something and people can start judging it. Maybe it's because I'm leaving that world of the play behind and for a while, especially if it was going well, it was a place I could be in. It was fun. It was colorful and thrilled me in a way real life rarely does. And now that's over and there are fewer discoveries to make--(for me anyway)--ideally it will have a life and someone else will be making discoveries soon in a theatre or in a room not in my head. I'm at that place now where I'm finishing something and haven't started something else. It's a sad place sometimes. Maybe it's also because every finished piece is a kind of failure. There are things of course that I was unable to do. There are things I hoped my subconscious would create that I wouldn't know about and sometimes that happens but it's never as brilliant as I had hoped possible. Also I came into this playwriting thing at the age of 18 or so and I saw it as a way to understand the world. I thought if I studied Waiting for Godot and began to write I would discover the truth about the world and about the existence or non-existence of God. I thought I would understand how to live correctly. It's trite, I know but I was looking for the meaning of life. And part of me is a little disappointed each time I finish a play and I haven't been able to learn the secrets of the universe. At the same time I don't think I'm just writing stories. Not that there is anything wrong with a good story but I honestly think I'm trying to illuminate something--to figure out something about people. To make the world better. To help somehow--to uphold truth--to touch people emotionally--make them laugh, sure. Laugh as much as possible. To skewer with satire, sure although I don't know that satire is a tool of change--it may just be a tool of wit. I dunno. Am I getting anywhere at all? Is this a pointless pursuit. Who can say really? All I know is that as soon as possible I'm going to dive into writing something else so I don't have to think about how pointless the writing is or how more pointless and often fruitless the post creation work can be.