Oct 22, 2006
scene from new play--first draft as always
(Back at the White House, CHENEY watches the PRESIDENT playing with the puppets.) PRESIDENT Oh, Mr. President, you’re so smart and funny. Thank you. You’re also such a talented artist. Thank you. What is that? A tree? It’s a giraffe. You like it though? I love it. And I know a lot about art. I am an art specialist. Oh, you are? Yes I am. I would like to have sex with you. Oh, my. But I have a wife who I love. But I really want to have sex with you. It’s one of the ten commandments. I’m sorry I just can’t. Oh, I’m so disappointed. CHENEY Mr. President, can I talk to you for a minute? PRESIDENT Can’t you see I’m busy? I’m making plans. I’ve got a lot of planning to do, planning various things. Lots to do here in the White House. CHENEY I know, sir. It’s just . . . PRESIDENT Not, now, Cheney. CHENEY Ok, sir, I’ll talk to you later. (CHENEY does not move.) PRESIDENT (tries to go back to playing with puppets but there is no joy in it.) See now I can’t concentrate. CHENEY Sorry, sir. PRESIDENT Why did you have to interrupt. You saw I was working, didn’t you? CHENEY I’m sorry, sir. PRESIDENT All right, what was it you wanted? CHENEY It’s just, well I’m not sure how’ll you’ll take this. PRESIDENT I don’t want to hear any more about any polls. CHENEY No, it’s not that sir. It’s these feelings that I’m having. PRESIDENT Don’t ever trust your feelings. You feelings will lead you to do stupid things that are often not in your best interest. Have you ever read The Prince? CHEENY No. PRESIDENT Well, me either but it’s on my reading list. CHENEY I wanted to tell you. PRESIDENT What? CHENEY That I admire you. PRESIDENT Well, of course you admire me. I’m your president. CHENEY No, I really admire you and I think about you a lot. PRESIDENT Well, I think about you too. CHENEY No, like a whole lot. PRESIDENT As you should. CHENEY But I dream about you. I think about you when I’m having relations with the wife. I day dream about you when you’re not in the room, wanting and wishing that you would come in the room so I can be near your magnetic energy. PRESIDENT Do you think about my paintings? CHENEY Not really. PRESIDENT I’m done with this conversation. CHENEY Well, sometimes I imagine that you ask me to pose for you and you say why don’t we try it without the shirt and so I take off the shirt and then you say maybe you should take off those pants too. They look uncomfortable and you know, they are so I take them off and then you say maybe without the boxers too and so there I am in my black socks completely naked, exposed in front of you. PRESIDENT Maybe I should paint you. CHENEY You should? PRESIDENT My problem is that I can’t paint people. I don’t understand or care about people really and it makes it hard to paint them. They all look the same like puppets. Identical puppets or at least that is what my critics say. But I want to understand people, I do. Especially if it will make me a better artist. All I want is to be alone in my room with my paints but I can’t do that I have all these obligations—I never would have even thought of trying to be president either if I had only been able to sell a painting. no one wanted one, not even mother. And all the other businesses I ran were failing terribly, probably because I was drunk all the time, so I thought well if all else fails at least I can become president. And that might not be so very bad. But what I really want is to be a famous painter. They would look at them, everyone would and they would see amazing things and they would say “look at that.” “Look at how well he understands the human condition” and “wow! The things he is saying with his art.” “Wowee, what a brilliant genius.” “the New York Times calls the President a brilliant genius.” It’s about freakin time that paper starts being fair to me. The next painting. Once they see the next painting they will have to accept me. The polls will shoot up and everyone will see. They will see that I understand people and the plight of the person. Humanity. I can’t paint people. CHENEY You can paint me, Mr. President. PRESIDENT Yeah? Hmm. Well, maybe I should be painting someone more attractive though. Don’t you think?