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1000 Playwright Interviews The first interview I posted was on June 3, 2009.  It was Jimmy Comtois.  I decided I would start interview...

Dec 19, 2006

A Christmas Play

The Global Warming Christmas Pageant (Christmas lights fill the stage. Perhaps there are large candy canes and snow. Enter the SNOWMAN NARRATOR) SNOWMAN NARRATOR Let me tell you the story of the Christmas which almost never was. (Enter SANTA in an easy chair, surrounded by elves.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR For fifty years the elves had been saying ELVES Santa, we’ve got to do something about all the toy factory smoke. (Lights up on toy smokestacks in the distance turning out fat plumes of smoke) SNOWMAN NARRATOR And Santa would reply. SANTA Nonsense! SNOWMAN NARRATOR Or SANTA Yeah Yeah yeah. SNOWMAN NARRATOR Or SANTA If I hear one more word about it, I’m revoking all the Christmas bonuses. SNOWMAN NARRATOR The elves were despondent. ELVES We are despondent. SNOWMAN NARRATOR They knew any good they did by making toys for children was canceled out by the bad bad smokestacks which were making greenhouse gases that would forever alter the climate of the Earth. ELVES That makes us sad. SNOWMAN NARRATOR But more immediately, they knew that the North Pole was in some serious trouble. They tried again to reason with Santa. ELF 1 The ice in the North Pole is disappearing. We need to do something about our emissions. SANTA (smoking) Nonsense. A little smoke never hurt anyone. ELF 2 But the scientists say-- SANTA I don’t believe in science. I believe in magic. ELF 3 So maybe you could use some magic to prevent global climate change. SANTA I have toy making magic. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now please go. I want to test out the new Wii. SNOWMAN NARRATOR The day came when the elves had to leave the North Pole. (ELVES pack up suitcases.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR There was no longer enough ice to walk on. It all cracked and melted. (The candy canes fall over. The snow melts.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR The polar bears were drowning. The elves built big boats and decided to emigrate to Canada in droves. I have to go too. I’m going to die here. I’m melting. It’s so warm. It’s so warm. (The SNOWMAN sits down and tries to get cold.) ELVES Santa, we’re going to go now. We built boats. Are you coming. SANTA No, I’m going to stay here. ELVES But there will be no more North Pole. Your house will fall into the ocean. There will be nowhere to stand. SANTA I’ll be fine. ELF 4 Your wife left a long time ago. SANTA I know she left! LITTLEST ELF Santa, have you been drinking? SANTA What of it? Leave an old man in peace. SNOWMAN NARRATOR And so the elves left to start their lives over and Santa sat and cried and sat and cried. (SANTA cries loudly) SNOWMAN NARRATOR And then the day came when his house sank into the ocean. (SANTA falls off his chair. The SNOWMAN is lying down too.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR I’m having trouble breathing. I’m melting, children. SANTA I can’t swim. The water is so cold. SNOWMAN NARRATOR It’s so warm. SANTA It’s so cold. SNOWMAN NARRATOR Not cold enough. At this point Santa began to drown. (SANTA begins to drown.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR But wait, stop because there is something you can do. SANTA Clap your hands together and say I do believe in Santa Claus. I do believe in Santa Claus. (The ELVES come out.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR, ELVES, SANTA (Clapping) I do believe in Santa Claus. I do believe in Santa Claus. SANTA Christmas is saved! Hurrah! SNOWMAN NARRATOR OK, well, maybe this year it's ok. But that’s just a band aid. I’m still melting an’ everything. Now go home and turn off the lights after you leave the room and don’t use so much water and tell your parents to use low energy light bulbs and that they should stop driving such big cars and perhaps, perhaps Santa won’t die of asphyxiation after all of his elves leave him to live in Canada. Good night, and Merry Christmas. http://www.climatecrisis.net/takeaction/

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