A Christmas Play

The Global Warming Christmas Pageant (Christmas lights fill the stage. Perhaps there are large candy canes and snow. Enter the SNOWMAN NARRATOR) SNOWMAN NARRATOR Let me tell you the story of the Christmas which almost never was. (Enter SANTA in an easy chair, surrounded by elves.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR For fifty years the elves had been saying ELVES Santa, we’ve got to do something about all the toy factory smoke. (Lights up on toy smokestacks in the distance turning out fat plumes of smoke) SNOWMAN NARRATOR And Santa would reply. SANTA Nonsense! SNOWMAN NARRATOR Or SANTA Yeah Yeah yeah. SNOWMAN NARRATOR Or SANTA If I hear one more word about it, I’m revoking all the Christmas bonuses. SNOWMAN NARRATOR The elves were despondent. ELVES We are despondent. SNOWMAN NARRATOR They knew any good they did by making toys for children was canceled out by the bad bad smokestacks which were making greenhouse gases that would forever alter the climate of the Earth. ELVES That makes us sad. SNOWMAN NARRATOR But more immediately, they knew that the North Pole was in some serious trouble. They tried again to reason with Santa. ELF 1 The ice in the North Pole is disappearing. We need to do something about our emissions. SANTA (smoking) Nonsense. A little smoke never hurt anyone. ELF 2 But the scientists say-- SANTA I don’t believe in science. I believe in magic. ELF 3 So maybe you could use some magic to prevent global climate change. SANTA I have toy making magic. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now please go. I want to test out the new Wii. SNOWMAN NARRATOR The day came when the elves had to leave the North Pole. (ELVES pack up suitcases.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR There was no longer enough ice to walk on. It all cracked and melted. (The candy canes fall over. The snow melts.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR The polar bears were drowning. The elves built big boats and decided to emigrate to Canada in droves. I have to go too. I’m going to die here. I’m melting. It’s so warm. It’s so warm. (The SNOWMAN sits down and tries to get cold.) ELVES Santa, we’re going to go now. We built boats. Are you coming. SANTA No, I’m going to stay here. ELVES But there will be no more North Pole. Your house will fall into the ocean. There will be nowhere to stand. SANTA I’ll be fine. ELF 4 Your wife left a long time ago. SANTA I know she left! LITTLEST ELF Santa, have you been drinking? SANTA What of it? Leave an old man in peace. SNOWMAN NARRATOR And so the elves left to start their lives over and Santa sat and cried and sat and cried. (SANTA cries loudly) SNOWMAN NARRATOR And then the day came when his house sank into the ocean. (SANTA falls off his chair. The SNOWMAN is lying down too.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR I’m having trouble breathing. I’m melting, children. SANTA I can’t swim. The water is so cold. SNOWMAN NARRATOR It’s so warm. SANTA It’s so cold. SNOWMAN NARRATOR Not cold enough. At this point Santa began to drown. (SANTA begins to drown.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR But wait, stop because there is something you can do. SANTA Clap your hands together and say I do believe in Santa Claus. I do believe in Santa Claus. (The ELVES come out.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR, ELVES, SANTA (Clapping) I do believe in Santa Claus. I do believe in Santa Claus. SANTA Christmas is saved! Hurrah! SNOWMAN NARRATOR OK, well, maybe this year it's ok. But that’s just a band aid. I’m still melting an’ everything. Now go home and turn off the lights after you leave the room and don’t use so much water and tell your parents to use low energy light bulbs and that they should stop driving such big cars and perhaps, perhaps Santa won’t die of asphyxiation after all of his elves leave him to live in Canada. Good night, and Merry Christmas. http://www.climatecrisis.net/takeaction/

an email i received today (really)

Dear Mr. Szymkowicz,

Hello! I am the Director of Public Relations at the
Church of Scientology of New York.

Since the 2004 grand opening of our newly renovated
building, we have had tremendous amounts of students
entering our building searching for the answer to the
question "What is Scientology?" Our team in the
Introductory Services department is responsible for
acquainting people with basic information on
Scientology and Dianetics. With a variety of simple
brochures, pamphlets, short videos, and information
panels, this team is easily able to explain the
different aspects of Scientology. However, there are
still many more students throughout New York, New
Jersey, etc. that have this question and perhaps, have
been unable to get it answered.

For this reason, I would like to invite you, your
students, and co-workers for a tour of the Church of
Scientology of New York . I can show you the
following: facilities that deliver different types of
life improvement services, information panels that
display a thorough and clear explanation of what this
religion is, and our most recent campaigns that help
solve social and cultural problems. In addition, I
would be happy to answer any questions you may have.

I am available to tour Monday through Friday, from 9
a.m. to 6 p.m. each day. I would be pleased to have
small or large crowds so feel free to pass this
invitation on to anyone who is interested in finding
more about Scientology.

Please call me at (xxxxxxx), extension xxx or e-mail
me at xxxxxxxx@gmail.com so that we can schedule an
appointment at your convenience.

I look forward to hearing from you and can promise you
in advance - you will be amazed as to how much we
really do here at the Church!

Best,

XXXX XXXXX
Director of Public Relations
Church of Scientology New York
xxx West xxth Street
New York, NY xxxxx
xxxxxxx

vote, it may count.

http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2006/11/22/florida_13/index.html

"The Florida Elections Canvassing Commission, which is
made up of Gov. Jeb Bush and two other elected
Republican officials, said that the results of the
recount showed Buchanan had beaten Democrat Christine
Jennings by 369 votes in a race where nearly 240,000
votes were cast. The commission awarded the victory to
Buchanan despite the fact that the mystery of more
than 18,000 missing votes has not been resolved. "

voting machines in FL

http://washingtontimes.com/national/20061213-010659-5624r.htm

monday random ten

Killing Parrots--The Why Nots
Orphan Sister--Mercury in Gatorade
Bumble Bee Heaven (Taste's Like)--Bouillon Cubes
I Shot The Sherriff--Jodi and the Justice League
Lim BumDee Lim BaDoo--Led Jones
Seven Brides--Sad Fingers
The Long Dark Hallway--People With Faces
The Truth (I'm Hiding It)--G Men
Don't Tell Me What You Don't Want Me To Know--Flow
Reasonable--Floyd Britchcraft

Blue Coyote

K tells me there is something very interesting and
worthwhile and unpretentious going on over at the
Access Theatre. I'll be there Friday. Catch it if
you can. I am told there are lots of penises in the
show and blasphemy and a little bit of violence.

Blue Coyote Theater Group presents:

The Standards of Decency Project

Blue Coyote Theater Group has challenged nine fearless
emerging playwrights to create ten-minute plays that
feature at least one of the following: 1) nudity, 2)
violence, or 3) blasphemy, in a manner that is fully
warranted and justified (that is, that avoids mere
gratuitousness or sensationalism), while also intended
to offend conventional standards of decency. Vaguely
inspired by the FCC regulatory crackdown following
Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the
SuperBowl XXXVIII halftime show, Blue Coyote seeks to
spark a discussion about the uses and abuses of
transgressive performance onstage. All nine plays
will be performed complete and uncut for one week
only at the Access Theater.

Featuring new works by David Johnston, Mathew Freeman
, David Foley, Brian Dykstra, Boo Killebrew, Laura
Henry, Kristen Palmer, John Yearley, and Stan
Richardson.

At the Access Theater
380 Broadway, 4th Fl. (at White St.)
One week only! Dec 12th – 17th, all performances at
8pm
Tickets $18 via www.smarttix.com
See http://www.bluecoyote.org for more details.

http://www.savedarfur.org/pages/lobby_congress/

and this--more about oxytocin (not oxycotin)

http://www.hugthemonkey.com/

creepy

http://www.verolabs.com/

2 things

I am too old to stay out till 2 am two days in a row.

http://www.szymkowicznaked.blogspot.com/

>From Andrew Sullivan

http://time.blogs.com/daily_dish/2006/12/quote_for_the_d_8.html

via Mike Daisey

http://www.mikedaisey.com/

"Some reports are issued and just gather dust. And
truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington
are never read by anybody. To show you how important
this one is, I read it," - George W. Bush today.

Does he have to make Jon Stewart's job that easy?

manifesto for a theatregoer

The kind of theatre I want to see, the theatre I most enjoy, the theatre I am willing to pay money to see, the theatre I give the benefit of the doubt to even if it’s not all working completely is like this: I like plays where I know the playwright is reaching towards something or struggling with something. I like the playwright who says I am troubled by this and think it should be on the stage. I like it when a play is written about something important to the playwright. I like plays that experiment with language or form. I like visually beautiful and theatrical plays. I like plays in which actors use movement, voice, rhythm in unusual ways. I like funny plays. I like smart plays. I like plays that make me think. I like plays with a lot of heart about people trying to connect with other people. I like plays with tight construction that keep you on the edge of your seat. I like plays that are about something, not plays that pretend to be about something. I like plays that are constantly surprising. I don’t like plays where I don’t learn anything. I don’t like plays where horrible things after horrible things happen to characters and there is no hope. I especially don’t like it when characters do evil things without any real reason. I don’t like it when a play is produced and there are clear problems of consistency or flabby writing that could have been fixed but weren’t. I like plays directed by geniuses. I like plays with quirky characters. I like plays that star actors that are too interesting for Hollywood. Sometimes I like musicals. I like plays that are fun. I don’t like plays about celebrities. Or that star celebrities, especially if that is all the play has going for it. I like witty plays. And clever plays. I like plays that make me think of bright colors. I like ninety minute plays and sixty minute plays. I like plays about love.

last month

So I finished a play at the beginning of november and
am 20 pages into another play. I have also been
writing a novel. I have nine thousand something
words. Which is not tons but it's something. I
word-counted some of my plays and some of the
hour-long ones are about that long. which means i
wrote about as much as an hour long play this month.
the bad news is that it will take me at least 5 or 6
more months to finish the book at this pace, i think.
i have no idea how long it will be actually. but that
means i will have to work this hard or harder and that
means (if word count means anything) that it will be
like writing 2 or 3 or 4 full length plays. except
that it's not like that. it's not like that at all.

apparently, my play Deflowering Waldo is available at
Walmart.com. I wonder if they are aware that it is
about pre-marital sex.

novel is coming slowly

http://szymkowicznaked.blogspot.com/

scene

This is something I'm working on. These are not the real character names. I had to change them to protect the secrecy of this very secret and confidential project. ACTOR (Reading from the side) So here we are. LILY Yes, we are here. ACTOR At our prom. LILY Yes. ACTOR I can’t tell you how much this night means to me. J Excuse me. That’s good but could you be closer? (LILY gets closer) ACTOR I can’t tell you how much this night means to me. LILY To me too. ACTOR To be touching you finally. To have you in my arms. J Closer still. (LILY gets closer) That’s better. LILY When did you first notice me? ACTOR I don’t remember. It’s like you were always there just out of my reach like a wanton cookie I really wanted or like the most beautiful girl that ever existed. No, wait I remember. It was the start of your freshman year. It was fall. The leaves were falling. LILY Am I holding you too tightly? ACTOR There was a morning mist in the air, a foggy beautiful mist like the start of something. And then the mist parted and you walked through it. Immediately I couldn’t breathe. Was it an asthma attack? I felt I had been shot through the lung, but no, it was the heart instead. I was forever transformed. Who knew it would take me three years to build up the courage to speak to you? Who knew I could speak after that fateful day? LILY And now you’re going off to college. ACTOR I am. LILY Will we ever see each other again? ACTOR Of course. LILY You’ll forget about me. ACTOR I could never do that. Not without some severe brain damage. LILY You’ll find some other girl. ACTOR No. LILY Someone in some way better. ACTOR That’s not possible. LILY You’ll find someone lovier. ACTOR No. LILY She will worship you. ACTOR I worship you. LILY You do, don’t you? I like the way it feels in your arms. ACTOR I like you in my arms. LILY I want tonight to be special. ACTOR It is. I’m here. You’re here. LILY I want tonight—kiss me. J Can we do that? Can we see that kiss? (Hopefully there is a kiss and LILY goes weak at the knees.) ACTOR That was special. LILY It sure was. ACTOR There’s something I have to tell you however. LILY What? (Enter DAVID.) DAVID Excuse me. Hi. LILY Not now! DAVID I’m sorry. J You don’t look sorry. DAVID What? J Nothing. LILY WHAT IS IT? DAVID It’s a little loud. If you could please keep it down. LILY Why are you doing this to me? DAVID I’m sorry? LILY I don’t think you know how bad I need this. It’s been a long time, a very very long time and you are trying to prevent me from getting what I really really need. DAVID What are you talking about? LILY You don’t understand. Nobody understands. Nobody understands me. It is very hard for me. It’s very very very very very hard and I can’t take it anymore. (LILY breaks down. DAVID looks worried.)

in MA in Jan

a short play of mine

http://acmetheater.com/nwwf2007.asp

and

also available from Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Deflowering-Waldo-Adam-Szymkowicz/dp/0822221365/sr=11-1/qid=1164132477/ref=sr_11_1/104-1699331-0565554

BUY THIS PLAY

That's right, for a mere 7.50 you can buy a play I wrote. In this holiday season, please think of the children who are eagerly waiting for their own copies of my play Deflowering Waldo now available in a handsome acting edition. Don't miss out. Get them before they are gone. http://www.dramatists.com/cgi-bin/db/single.asp?key=3728

BUY THIS PLAY

That's right, for a mere 7.50 you can buy a play I
wrote.

In this holiday season, please think of the children
who are eagerly waiting for their own copies of my
play Deflowering Waldo now available in a handsome
acting edition.

Don't miss out. Get them before they are gone.

http://www.dramatists.com/cgi-bin/db/single.asp?key=3728

global orgasm

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061120/ap_on_fe_st/peace_orgasm

Trying to write a play now specifically for the fringe (while writing a novel as well http://szymkowicznaked.blogspot.com ) Has anyone else ever written something specifically for the fringe? i feel like I'm fringing it up over here but I hope that will work out OK.

http://www.dramatists.com/text/newplays.html

I may never again see my name next to John Patrick
Shanley or David Ives. Sorry if that's annoying I
keep bringing it up. I'm just so fucking psyched.

where it's at--right here bizatch

I am of late hugely optimistic about what's going on
in theatre. I've seen some great plays lately by
Julia Cho, Anne Washburn, Adam Bock, Mike Batistick.
I've heard some great plays in class, at Ars Nova, in
my writing group. I read a book of awesome plays by
Sarah Ruhl recently and am very excited by what my
friends are writing and the energy in general at the
moment around new theatre.

and tonight and Sat there is this:

SIX FIGURES THEATRE COMPANY'S ARTISTS OF TOMORROW
FESTIVAL presents

ALL THE GIRLS LOVE BOBBY KENNEDY

by Kristen Palmer
directed by Sarah Cameron Sunde

In the spring of 1968 Gracie dreams of Bobby and he
dreams back to
her. A play about young love, idealism and Robert F.
Kennedy.

with
Deborah Knox*
Marielle Heller*
Travis York*

Presented as a Staged Reading with Sound

Thursday, November 16, 7:30pm
Saturday, November 18, 8:00pm

Festival Tickets, $15
smarttix.com

Equity Actors free with AEA Card.

The West End Theatre
Located upstairs in the Church of St. Paul and St.
Andrew
263 West 86th St. between Broadway and West End Ave.

accessible via the 1 train at 86th St.

Handicap accessible.

scales of living

I'm having trouble balancing the novel writing and the play writing and my playgoing and my life in general. What i want to do is write a play and a novel at the same time and also go to plays regularly. This is not easy. If I could only take the day job out of the equation--but perhaps you've heard this theme from me before. it would be nice to have an extra hour int he day. if i coud have one hour dedicated to the novel and one to whichever play i'm writing, that might work out ok. I have to figure this out.

Take Back the Criticism From the Man

Other bloggers pot about the Internationalist:

http://www.nytheatre.com/nytheatre/inte3817.htm
http://parabasis.typepad.com/blog/2006/11/happy_internati.html
http://obscenejester.typepad.com/home/2006/11/in_praise_of_de.html
http://jasongrote.blogspot.com/2006/11/tough-crowd-or-tale-of-two-audiences.html
http://www.ghunka.com/index.cgi/2006/11/15#internat
http://playgoer.blogspot.com/2006/11/reviews-thugs-internationalist.html