killing darlings

here are two short scenes I had to cut from my play Sarah.  They were very funny in the reading but they are getting in the way of what the play wants to be.  Sometimes too much meta is too much.

THE PLAYWRIGHT – TRACK ONE, SCENE FIVE

                                                            (THE PLAYWRIGHT accosts SARAH and THE GUIDE)

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Hi, sorry.  Can we talk for a minute.

                                                            THE GUIDE

This is the playwright.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Hi.  I just wanted to give you some insight into the character of Sarah.  I don’t think you’re quite nailing it yet.  I’ve seen a lot of Sarahs now.  But I don’t want to get in the way of your process so if you want me to back off just say so.

                                                            SARAH

(Her choice)

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Right.  Right.  Let me just say the thoughts Sarah has are unlike everyone else.  She oozes creativity.  And as she went through life, people tried to beat it out of her, metaphorically, not physically but that didn’t get rid of it though it dimmed it for a time.   She was a genius but tried to hide her genius and then, you know, she died too soon.  I have this image in my mind of her as a child discovering her power for the first time—She’s in a pool and there’s a lot of light—like too much light--actually maybe that’s not helpful.  Forget that.  I never said that.  Can you forget that?  So stupid.  You know what, no, okay, if you can play down to earth but also like in the clouds.  Cause she’s mysterious but you feel like you’ve known her all your life.  So there’s that familiarity but also there’s part of her that’s completely unknowable that belongs only to her, you know?  She’s not like the rest of us, you know.  She’s super charismatic.  So do that too.  Just be like, more.  Okay?  It’s hard, I know because there’s only one Sarah and she’s like not like the rest of us so it’s hard to play that but just think of like Jesus Christ or like Lady Gaga.  Like if Lady Gaga was charismatic. You know what I mean?  Like a movie star but with a real inner life.  Smarter than a movie star.  But no less beautiful.  A mind like a laser.  Got it?

                                                            SARAH

(Her choice)

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Okay.  I’ve said too much.  I shouldn’t talk to the actors.  Can we take her the alternate way?  Let’s change it up.  I think take her the other way it’ll work better, okay?

                                                            THE GUIDE

I don’t know.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

She can handle it.

                                                            THE GUIDE

I don’t want to mess up the schedule.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

If there’s a problem, I’ll take the heat.

                                                            THE GUIDE

I don’t really care about that. 

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

It’ll be better.  You can see that, can’t you?

                                                            THE GUIDE

I have to take care of her.  She’s my responsibility.  You can just sit in your ivory tower and watch.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Ivory tower?

                                                            THE GUIDE

Yeah.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Are you talking about Juilliard?  Okay, yes I went to Juilliard.  It was amazing.  So what?  A lot of people went to good schools.

                                                            THE GUIDE

You have it with you?

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

The diploma?  Yes, okay I carry around my diploma from The Juilliard School.  Lots of people do that.  It’s nothing.  It’s not weird.  (to SARAH)  Do you want to see it?

                                                            SARAH

(Her choice)

                                                            (PLAYWRIGHT takes it out.)

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

It’s beautiful.  So crisp.  A work of art.  I’m going to take it with me.

                                                            THE GUIDE

You can’t take the diploma.  When you die, it stays here.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Yeah, but I’m going to take it with me.

                                                            THE GUIDE

Okay but you can’t.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

I’m proud of it.  Is that a sin?

                                                            THE GUIDE

I mean yeah, in the Judo-Christian—

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

That’s not—

                                                            THE GUIDE

I mean, you asked.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

I’m not in an ivory tower.  I resent that.

                                                            THE GUIDE

Sometimes I hurt people’s feelings.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

I’m an artist.  Okay, I don’t always come see the play.  But I’m making other art.  I’m busy.  Doing important things.  God’s work.

                                                            THE GUIDE

God’s work?!  God’s work?!!  It’s just a play.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

It’s not just a play.

                                                            THE GUIDE

What I do is important.  What you do . . . I don’t know.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Well, that’s bullshit but whatever.  I have to go to my other job.  Ivory tower!  Fucking ivory tower!!  Are you going to go the alternate way?  Go the alternate way.  You want to go the other way, don’t you?

                                                            SARAH

(her choice)

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Good luck, with your Sarah.  Oh!  You know what?  Channel Meryl Streep.

(PLAYWRIGHT exits.  THE GUIDE and SARAH continue their journey.)

SCRIPTED --TRACK TWO, SCENE THREE

(DIRECTOR accosts SARAH and THE GUIDE.  PLAYWRIGHT hides behind director.)

THE GUIDE

Oh!  The director.  (THE GUIDE is not happy about this)

                                                            DIRECTOR

                                                            (to SARAH)

What are you doing?  You’re not supposed to go off script.  It’s all planned very carefully.  The playwright wrote a bunch of stuff down in a room once and that’s the stuff we’re doing, right?

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Right.

                                                            DIRECTOR

So we don’t appreciate you making stuff up when you’re not supposed to make stuff up.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

We don’t appreciate that.

                                                            DIRECTOR

We don’t want you to ruin the experience for the audience.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Don’t ruin the play.  Everybody’s always trying to ruin my play.  The actors and the directors and the designers.  And then it’s all my fault.  It’s not my fault.  Everybody thinks it’s my fault.

                                                            DIRECTOR

No one blames you.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Everyone does.  Just please don’t ruin my play, okay?

                                                            DIRECTOR

Can you do that?

PLAYWRIGHT

Can you?

                                                            DIRECTOR

Can you?

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Can you?

                                                            THE GUIDE

I’m sorry.

(Enter FREE WILL in bondage gear, perhaps being led in on a leash.)

                                                            WILL

Don’t pay any attention to them.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Will, this doesn’t concern you.

                                                            DIRECTOR

It’s not about you.

                                                            WILL

You do what you want to do.

                                                            DIRECTOR

Will!

                                                            WILL

My name isn’t just Will.  It’s Free Will.  I’m called Free Will because of how free I am with my body and my favors.

                                                            DIRECTOR

You don’t exist!

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Get back in your cage!  In your cage!

                                                            THE GUIDE

Sorry about this.

                                                            WILL

I am free.  I am freer than you will ever be!  You do what you want, Sarah or whatever your name is.  Don’t be penned in by the man.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Stop it, Will.  You always ruin everything.

                                                            WILL

We are free.  We are all free.  Don’t let anyone tell you how to be, who to be, how to act.  Don’t give in to societal pressures.  Ignore your culture.  Be you who you are completely.  If you want to be naked, be naked.  People will deal with it.

                                                            PLAYWRIGHT

Please don’t take off your clothes.  Everyone leave your clothes on.  It isn’t that kind of show.

                                                            WILL

It can be.  It can be whatever kid of show you want.

                                                            DIRECTOR

Okay, can we table this?

                                                            WILL

No.

                                                            THE GUIDE

I’m sorry.

                                   

                                                            (THE GUIDE starts to lead SARAH off.)

                                                            WILL

Let’s take acid.

                                                            DIRECTOR

Oh my God.  Get back in your cage.

                                                            WILL

I’m calling Equity!

                                                            (THE GUIDE lead SARAH off.)        

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Books by Adam

new scene, first draft as always

9 (NINA and LISA scour the streets in full Crimefighter getup. Normal city noises.) LISA There aren’t any accidents. NINA What? LISA No one is shouting at me. NINA Why would they shout at you? LISA Right. I mean I guess it’s this mask. They think I’m one of you. So they look but they don’t stare. They don’t run red lights or walk into passerbys. Because I’m a known quantity now. A Crimefighter. I can protect them. NINA Yes. LISA It feels great. I feel free. No one told me being anonymous was so much fun. NINA It’s one of the secrets of being a crimefighting hero. LISA What are the other secrets? NINA Oh, you’ll learn soon enough. Lots of free drinks. Cutting in line at the movies. LISA That already happens to me. NINA Oh. LISA But now it will be because of what I do instead of what I look like. NINA Oh. LISA No more men for me. NINA No? LISA How do you do it? NINA Oh, you get used to it. LISA I mean, there have been men? NINA Oh, sure. Sure. Well, no. Not in a long time. And honestly, I don’t miss it. Or rather, the job has taken over for providing me with that excitement. And there’s nothing that beats crimefighting. I don’t care what kind of sex you’ve had. LISA I’ve had lots of kinds. NINA We all have. Well, I haven’t, but you can’t go by me. I mean actually, the thing about me is, and please don’t say anything to the others— LISA I won’t. NINA The thing is, ever since my run in with Dr. X, well, it’s all I can think about. I can’t stop thinking about the doctor. Day and night. When I’m brushing my teeth. Even when—you know. LISA Oh. NINA Dr. X is just so exciting. And wrong. So exciting and wrong. I think the other girls have an inkling. Because I—I let him get away. I didn’t mean to. I paused. If you know me, you know I’m not someone who ever pauses. I run into any situation, burning building, shark infested pool without a thought. But I saw Dr. X and I paused, to the point of stopping even. And it was not revulsion I was feeling. Well, it was, but it was mixed with something else potent. I’m not sure what. They should bottle it if they could ever find a way to collect it. They’d make millions. LISA Who? NINA Exactly. (DR. X enters here as NINA’s memory and they look at each other.) NINA Just stood there, looking at me, with a doctor’s bag and a syringe. Dr. X showed no remorse. Remorseless. Soulless maybe. And it took my breath away. I’m terrified of what might happen the next time I run into the doctor. You have to be ready at all times to kill if necessary. But when I think—I’m not sure I could do it in this case. I dread our next meeting and at the same time I look forward to it more than anything in my entire life. You know what I mean? LISA Yes.

<3

a new scene. as always, this is a first draft. 5 (In the hospital, the NURSES stand around talking. PETER is visible in a space behind them, working on an artificial heart with a screwdriver.) NURSE 1 Is he in there again? NURSE 2 Yeah. Never eats or sleep, just plays with that damn heart. NURSE 3 Does it work? NURSE 2 Not yet. NURSE 1 If he’s fiddling around with that, he doesn’t have to deal with the world outside or with real problems or with other people. NURSE 2 He’s solving a real problem. You’re not being fair. NURSE 1 I don’t want to be fair to him. He’s never been fair to me. NURSE 3 Can you say that? Can you really say that? NURSE 1 If he’d been fair to me, He would have let me kiss him under the mistletoe at the Christmas party. He would have smiled back more, he would have frowned less. He would have taken the time to notice my body instead of looking away. He’s never been fair to me, so he doesn’t know what could have happened. NURSE 2 He has a higher calling. NURSE 1 He has an escape hatch. I wish I had one. I would have liked to find it in his lips. (The NURSES sigh in unison) NURSE 3 His lips. NURSE 2 His lips. PETER Dammit! Why won’t you beat? Beat! Beat! (PETER fiddles with it some more.) NURSE 1 I’ve seen him in there, you know. With the heart. Shimmying his screwdriver between the chambers. PETER Beat, dammit. Beat. NURSE 1 He wants the heart to beat for him, but a heart will only beat for who a heart beats for. NURSE 3 Isn’t that the truth?

a scene from Open Minds

I was rereading a play I wrote about 4 years ago. there is some klunkly stuff and a bit of overwriting, but I have to say, I'm proud of it. Here's a scene: (MOTHER’s house. Ordinary. Comfortable, clean, but not expensive. A large cardboard box in one corner.) MOTHER Herbie, do you have to carry that big old rock around in your pocket? You’re ruining all your good pants. HERBIE I need it, Mama. It’s important. MOTHER It can’t be so important. I have to buy you new pants. It’s not even like you’re doing hard labor. You’re just walking around with a rock in your pocket so it wears holes in your clothes. HERBIE Doesn’t wear holes. MOTHER But it does, Herbie. If you have to carry the rock around. . . HERBIE It’s my special white rock. MOTHER If you have to carry it, couldn’t you switch pockets once in a while? HERBIE It goes in this pocket. MOTHER But couldn’t you just put it in your left front pocket for a change or maybe one of your back pockets? HERBIE Wouldn’t like that. Needs to be in this pocket. Otherwise it would hurt. It would hurt . . . otherwise. MOTHER There’s no use talking sense to you. HERBIE Mama, can I go to my box now? MOTHER Not yet. I want to talk to you for a minute. You know your father won’t be home for a while and you’re gonna have to be the man. I know that’s hard for you cause you’re not like your daddy. You’re big, sure, but you don’t have the head to go with it. But that’s not your fault. It’s the way God made you and but, son, you’re going to have to try to be a man around here. You hear me? What are you doing? HERBIE (hand in pocket.) Got to rub my stone. Make it smooth. Rub it good. MOTHER I know, honey. I need you to be strong while your daddy’s gone. You think you can do that? HERBIE Can I be strong in the box? MOTHER Well, sure, but not just yet. Sit down and lets us have a talk first. (HERBIE sits.) MOTHER Now Herbie, you listening? Listen now. I think you can’t help, you know, what you’re like, but people are going to get the wrong idea with that stone in your pocket and your hand always in there. People will think . . . well, I just don’t know how to say this to you. You can’t play with the rock when people come over. HERBIE People coming over? MOTHER Well there may be some people over here later and I need you to come out of your box and be on your best behavior. HERBIE Scary people. MOTHER No, not scary people, but I need for you to be good. Can you be good? HERBIE Uh huh. Sure, Mama. MOTHER Good. And it would be good if you didn’t play with your rock in your pocket because people might think, people might think you were playing with Mr. Winkie and we both know people don’t want to see other people play with Mr. Winkie when they’re just coming over for some milk and pie. You hear me? HERBIE Yeah, Mama. MOTHER Let’s practice now. Take you hand out of your pocket. (He does so slowly.) There you go. There you go. Good. HERBIE Am I done now? (Looks towards box.) MOTHER Not quite yet. Oh, you’re such a good boy. Stand up straight. Now aren’t you a smart looking boy? Who’s my soldier? HERBIE I am. MOTHER That’s right. You are, aren’t you? Now what are you going to do when people come to visit? HERBIE Not touch my winkie? MOTHER Right. What else? HERBIE Stand up straight? MOTHER Yes. What else? HERBIE Keep my hands out of my pocket? MOTHER Right. HERBIE Can I go to my box now? MOTHER Not yet, honey. I need you to be a strong little soldier. We have to go over a few more things now. HERBIE What things? MOTHER Well, we have to pretend a few things. HERBIE I like to pretend. MOTHER I know. What do you say we pretend Daddy’s a baker? HERBIE Daddy’s not a baker. MOTHER Today we’re pretending he is. From now on, everyday Daddy’s a baker. OK? HERBIE OK, Mama. MOTHER Now what does Daddy do? HERBIE He’s a baker. MOTHER What does he do at work? HERBIE He shoots people. MOTHER No, Daddy doesn’t shoot people. He bakes bread and pastry and cakes. HERBIE Mmm. Yummy. MOTHER Right. After the visitors go maybe we can get some cakes. If you’re good and keep your hand, where? HERBIE Away from Mr. Winkie? MOTHER Right. And out of your pocket and if you don’t say. . . if you tell them Daddy’s a baker. HERBIE OK, Mama. MOTHER What does your daddy do? HERBIE He’s a baker. MOTHER What does he do all day? HERBIE He bakes . . . bread . . . and . . . pizza. MOTHER Close enough. HERBIE Can I go in my box now? MOTHER Not yet. While the company’s here, I don’t want you to go in the box. Stay out here and don’t say anything unless someone asks you a question. HERBIE Like what? MOTHER Like what does your Daddy do? HERBIE He cooks things. MAMA Bakes things. HERBIE Yeah, Mama. Course he bakes things. And he writes letters and articles and walks on the streets with signs and sometimes when he has to . . . he doesn’t want to . . . but sometimes when he has to he shoots people, even in the head. MOTHER No, he doesn’t. It’ll be very bad if you say that while the people are here. How about if you just say he’s a baker? HERBIE He’s a baker. MOTHER What does he do? HERBIE Makes cookies and sometimes letter bombs. MOTHER No. Just cookies and cakes. HERBIE And pizza. MOTHER OK and pizza. Maybe we should pretend you’re mute. Could you be mute? HERBIE Mama? MOTHER Never mind. Your Daddy’s a baker. A baker and he doesn’t do anything wrong. HERBIE Doesn’t do anything wrong. MOTHER That’s right. HERBIE Mama? MOTHER All right. Go ahead. Get in your box. (HERBIE climbs in his refrigerator-sized cardboard box.) MOTHER Comfortable? HERBIE Yes, Mama. MOTHER All right. Good. HERBIE Mama? MOTHER Yes? HERBIE Where’s Daddy? MOTHER I don’t know, Herbie. Some men are going to come in today because no one knows where Daddy is and Daddy might be angry so the men are afraid. HERBIE Why? MOTHER Because Daddy’s mad at the men and the men don’t know what Daddy will do. HERBIE What will Daddy do? MOTHER I don’t know. But don’t worry about that. HERBIE Why? MOTHER Because good always wins and your Daddy is a good man. HERBIE He’s a good baker. MOTHER Yes he is. What does he bake? HERBIE Cookies. MOTHER What else? HERBIE Jelly beans. MOTHER No he doesn’t! You’re being silly. HERBIE (Laughing at his joke.) Jelly beans! (Blackout.)

Bill Clinton

This is the beginning of my Wikipedia play written for Ars Nova--they will be done in August. As always, this is a firt draft. (JAMES in a spot. The 10 or so interns are moving around in the background trying to look useful and busy.) JAMES Recently, by some sort of a cosmic fluke, I made two million dollars. I took a couple of my notebooks and gave them to my friend who was this like assistant editor and he made them into an anti novel slacker manifesto called “Runk.” It’s not even a real word. A lot of it was doodles I did when I was supposed to be filing at various temp jobs I held. It sort of has a narrative and it sort of doesn’t. It’s funny in parts. There’s some poetry and some string and some photos of my childhood dog. One page is a coffee stain. My “book” was hailed as a work of unadulterated genius by some and a waste of time and trees by others. But now, I’m suddenly wealthy. So I sort of don’t have to do anything anymore. So I don’t . . . do anything. When my recent success got back to my alma mater, they asked me if I wanted to be part of their internship program and I thought what the hell. And so now I have all these interns but I don’t really have a lot for them to do um . . . at all. (to INTERN 1, male, who is reading from a computer screen.) How’s it coming? INTERN 1 Good, good. JAMES I got him reading the internet. I said, read the internet and then report on it. He takes it very seriously. INTERN 1 I’m learning a lot. (INTERN 2, female approaches.) INTERN 2 You want me to take your laundry? JAMES Nah. I’m sort of wearing the same thing as yesterday. INTERN 2 Oh. JAMES Maybe tomorrow. INTERN 2 OK. You want me to vacuum again? JAMES Maybe later. You want to help that guy over there answer my fan mail? INTERN 2 OK. JAMES Just write whatever you want. You can sign my name if you want. INTERN 2 Really? JAMES Yeah. (to audience) Oh, so there is one thing. So one of the interns, she um . . . (Enter INTERN 3, female, the intern JAMES was about to tell us about.) INTERN 3 Hi. JAMES Hey. INTERN 3 So what do you want me to do? JAMES What do you want to do? INTERN 3 I dunno. What do you want me to do? JAMES Um, I don’t know. What did I have you do yesterday? INTERN 3 I sort of followed you around and took notes. JAMES Did you like that? INTERN 3 Sure. JAMES OK, let’s do that. INTERN 3 Cool. JAMES So this is Janice. INTERN 3 Hi. JAMES Um, don’t listen to what I’m saying for a second. So, um I know Janice is my intern and everything, but um, I kind of— (Enter ANDY who interrupts. JAMES and ANDY are in a sort of bar space away from the busy interns.) ANDY You dig her. JAMES Well yeah, but she’s my intern. ANDY So what? You just go Bill Clinton on her ass. You’re like, hey intern girl why don’t you stay a little after everyone goes and then bam bam thank you ma’am have a cigar, don’t wash that dress, don’t tell your friend or get me subpoenaed. You know what I’m saying? JAMES I think so. ANDY I don’t think you know what I’m saying. JAMES No, no. I get it. ANDY All right. JAMES You want another drink? ANDY You buying?

new scene from Temporary Everything

a first draft as always

FIFTEEN

(BRIAN is dressing in all black in his apartment.
TODD watches)

TODD
Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. Can you hear
me? Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian.

BRIAN
Todd.

TODD
Oh, good.

BRIAN
What do you want?

TODD
Nothing. (Pause) Brian? Brian. Brian. Brian.
Brian.

BRIAN
What?

TODD
You told her about me didn't you?

BRIAN
Umm…

TODD
Didn't you?

BRIAN
Yes.

TODD
Well, did it get you laid?

BRIAN
No, Todd it's not like that.

TODD
What a waste.

BRIAN
I guess so. I didn't really think about it. She's
been having a lot of inappropriate sex. I don't want
to contribute to that or anything.

TODD
Oh. OK. Is sex with you automatically inappropriate
or do you do something particularly inappropriate like
during it.

BRIAN
Umm . . . neither . . . I just . . . what do you want?

TODD
Where are you going?

BRIAN
I have to go to work.

TODD
It's nighttime.

BRIAN
I need to help Miranda stop capitalism.

(He puts a ski mask on and then lifts it back up so
his face can be seen.)

TODD
Oh. Oh, well then. That explains it I guess. Oh,
OK. Well, good luck with that. I'll stay here if
that's OK.

BRIAN
That's fine.

TODD
Good.

(TODD stares at BRIAN.)

BRIAN
What?

TODD
She made you crazy.

BRIAN
No, she didn't.

TODD
That's what women do.

BRIAN
That's just not true.

TODD
Just tell me this. Should I be worried?

BRIAN
Should you be—

TODD
Should I be worried?

BRIAN
Look at me. You need to let me go.

TODD
What?

BRIAN
Release me. Release me.

(They stare at each other. BRIAN pulls down the
facemask and exits.)

the first half of my scene adaptation for the Dream Chain

Life is a Dream
Adam Szymkowicz

Act 1, Scene 1

(SEGISMUNDO in a spotlight wears heavy chains that
restrict his movement. He is shackled, weighed down,
and sad.)

SEGISMUNDO
Misery! Woe am I! Woe! I have seen from the jail
window the calm water, the laughing children, the
flowers in bloom, birds of many colors—I don't know
their names—if they see me with a book, they take it
away before I can learn the difference between a
sparrow and a hawk. They don't want me to know things
in case . . . in case I might do something. You don't
know what I could do. Misery! All I know is misery.
Woe. Woe. Woe-Woe. The day I was born they knew to
put me in shackles. Before they washed me off even,
I was in irons. Cleanliness don't come before public
safety. I'm a menace, you see. Look real close.
Can't you see I'm a menace? They could see it in my
eyes. They could hear it when they pressed their ears
up to the womb. They learned something then I guess.
Don't get too close. I'm not safe. I'm evil. They
tell me I'm evil.

(ROSAURA rides in on CLARIN's back, a riding crop in
one hand and reins in the other. She is dressed as a
man. CLARIN wears a clown nose and, besides ROSAURA,
carries two heavy suitcases. They do not see
SEGISMUNDO.)

ROSAURA
Whoa! Whoa! Hold up there, horsey!

CLARIN
I'm not a horse. I'm Clarin.

ROSAURA
I'll say you're not a horse. A horse is quick and
intelligent and brave and strong.

CLARIN
Right. I'm none of them things. I can't even neigh
proper.

ROSAURA
You should have thought of that before you shot our
horses.

CLARIN
They were moving too slow.

ROSAURA
They're moving much slower now.

CLARIN
I hate Poland. Remind me again why we came to Poland.

ROSAURA
I have business.

CLARIN
Right, what does that mean? And why are you dressed
like a man?

ROSAURA
It's better to dress like a man.

CLARIN
Yeah but no one will believe you.

ROSAURA
Everyone will believe me.

CLARIN
No one will believe you.

ROSAURA
Clarin!

CLARIN
I mean you're not very manly.

ROSAURA
Is it because I'm so beautiful?

CLARIN
No, that's not it.

ROSAURA
You don't think I'm beautiful?

CLARIN
Are you propositioning the help?

ROSAURA
Clarin!

CLARIN
Because I heard rumors, sure, but I never thought--

ROSAURA
Let's look for a place to stay.

CLARIN
I guess I could sleep here and you could sleep over
there. Or I could sleep over there and you here. Or
I guess if you wanted me to sleep with you I guess I
could make an exception because it's only you and me
here alone and I'm lonely and you're lonely and I'm a
man and you're a woman and your hair looks quite nice
in this light if I squint, like this.

(The rustling of chains.)

ROSAURA
Shh! What's that?

CLARIN
I don't know. Don't let it ruin the mood.

ROSAURA
Is this a building?

SEGISMUNDO
Woe! Woe is me! Misery! Sadness! Oh-Woe!

ROSAURA
Did you hear that?

CLARIN
No. Take off your pants.

(ROSAURA enters the building and CLARIN follows,
undoing his belt. They stop when they see
SEGISMUNDO.)

SEGISMUNDO
Why was I built like this? Why? I was born this way,
don't you see? My heart they say is the largest heart
ever found in a person's chest. When it beats, it
shakes the walls. They are terrified of it, which is
why I'm here. Or it is my eyes. My eyes they say are
more destructive than any hammer ever made. Birds
fall from the sky if they chance to look at me
head-on. Or my voice. The wild beasts I the
forest, in the ground, in the ocean all tremble when
they hear the sound that can come from the back of my
throat. Or it was these fingers.

ROSAURA
Fingers.

SEGISMUNDO
Or this skin.

ROSAURA
Skin.

SEGISMUNDO
Or this tongue.

ROSAURA
Oh!

SEGISMUNDO
What was that?!

ROSAURA
He's so beautiful.

CLARIN
He's OK.

SEGISMUNDO
What's that? Who's that? A spy? Who sent you? Have
you come here to beat me?

ROSAURA
(stepping forward)
No.

(SEGISMUNDO grabs her in his large arms.)

SEGISMUNDO
I can't let you live.

ROSAURA
No!

CLARIN
Let her live!

SEGISMUNDO
What, another one?

CLARIN
No.

ROSAURA
Please, sir.

SEGISMUNDO
You shouldn't have heard me.

ROSAURA
But, your voice. It made me feel—

(Romantic music begins to play. ROSAURA touches his
face.)

SEGISMUNDO
I've never been touched like this.

ROSAURA
Your skin is so rough.

SEGISMUNDO
I've never felt like this.

ROSAURA
Your body is so warm.

SEGISMUNDO
I don't understand what's happening.

ROSAURA
Your eyes are so strong.

SEGISMUNDO
I feel a rising in my chest, a swelling of my throat.
It's like the first moment of something unexpected.

ROSAURA
I feel it too.

SEGISMUNDO
It's like something I can't explain.

ROSAURA
I can't explain it either.

SEGISMUNDO
Stay here with me.

CLOTALDO
(Offstage)
Intruders! Intruders!

(The music stops)

CLARIN
Oh, shit!

ROSAURA
What's going on?

SEGISMUNDO
You're not supposed to be here. No one is supposed to
see me.

ROSAURA
Not ever?

SEGISMUNDO
They will kill you.

CLARIN
They will what?!!

(CLOTALDO enters shouting followed by armed GUARDS.)

CLOTALDO
Intruders! Seize them

more darlings that had to die

a scene from Pretty Theft that is no longer in Pretty Theft (JOE sits in a chair in a straight jacket. Two DOCTORS in white coats circle him. The lights are dreamlike.) DOCTOR 1 I am concerned he’s not getting enough drugs. DOCTOR 2 I have the same concern, doctor. DOCTOR 1 Nurse, see that he gets three hundred and thirty three more cc’s of centa-rama-thol. DOCTOR 2 And twenty seven more cc’s of orga-rata-thol. DOCTOR 1 And eighty-five more cc’s of prozacoril. DOCTOR 2 And give him a bath. DOCTOR 1 Give the poor fucker a thrill. (The DOCTORS laugh.) DOCTOR 2 And don’t scrimp on the soap. DOCTOR 1 And while he’s taking a bath, dose him with fifty five thousand more cc’s of cortapentathol. DOCTOR 2 And ninety thousand more cc’s of gor-vidal-a-cal. DOCTOR 1 I should give Gore Vidal a call. (The DOCTORS laugh.) DOCTOR 2 That joke never gets old. now the old version of another scene SCENE 21 (ALLEGRA and SUZY in the car.) ALLEGRA (To audience.) We go north to go south and we zig zag zig across the continent like headless chickens or weather balloons forced to cling to the ground. We try to be weightless and free but we are tied to the earth, we are tired, and we are quickly running out of cash. SUZY I have to sleep in a bed tonight I don’t care what you say. ALLEGRA How are we gonna buy gas to get back? SUZY I can figure something out. (Pause. SUZY speaks to audience.) SUZY At night, I like to lie in the back of the station wagon and watch the stars come out while Allegra drives. Allegra does not like this. I can feel it in the way she drives. She feels deserted and left out. Because the stars are all mine and the whooshing cars are hers. The headlights blind her and trail across the windshield. The stars lull me to sleep. ALLEGRA Why don’t you sleep in the back again? You seem to like that. SUZY No. I need a bed. I need room service. I need a bathtub. ALLEGRA They’ll want money up front. SUZY Christ! You’re so . . . ALLEGRA What? SUZY Nothing. (Pause. ALLEGRA speaks to the audience.) ALLEGRA During the day, I watch the land change from east land to west land. Hills become plains become canyons become plains become canyons become plains become mountains. In the middle of the US, all the billboards advertise x-rated stores and fireworks and Jesus. In Texas we saw the biggest cross in the Western Hemisphere. The dirt becomes red in Oklahoma. There are forests of windmills followed by miniature oil rigs. There are petrified logs. Tiny lizards. Huge canyons. There are miles and miles of nothing. SUZY (To audience) There is no doubt we are running. The only question is how long can we continue. (To ALLEGRA.) We’re really good friends now, huh? ALLEGRA Yeah. SUZY Like best friends? ALLEGRA Uh huh. SUZY Best friends could stab each other and it’d be OK. We’d forgive each other for things, huh? ALLEGRA You mean like for stealing this car and not telling me? SUZY Yeah. That. And for kissing your boyfriend? ALLEGRA . . . SUZY Now you’re mad. ALLEGRA . . . SUZY I didn’t mean to. It just happened. ALLEGRA . . . SUZY I’m sorry. You deserve better anyway. ALLEGRA No I don’t. SUZY Oh, honey, yes you do. We both do. ALLEGRA I think this trip was a mistake. SUZY No it wasn’t. ALLEGRA Don’t talk to me. Just don’t talk to me. SUZY What did I do? and the new version of the same scene--I prefer the above but because of where it is in the play, the audience can't stand all the inactivity then and I really had to lose a lot of the ambience. ah well. Here is the new version: SCENE 21 (ALLEGRA and SUZY in the car.) SUZY I have to sleep in a bed tonight I don’t care what you say. ALLEGRA Why don’t you sleep in the back of the car again? You seem to like that. SUZY No. I need a bed. I need room service. I need a bathtub. ALLEGRA They’ll want money up front. SUZY So? ALLEGRA How are we gonna buy gas to get back? SUZY Christ! You’re so . . . ALLEGRA What? SUZY Nothing. ALLEGRA I’m sorry. (Pause) SUZY It’s OK. (beat) We’re really good friends now, huh? ALLEGRA Yeah. SUZY Like best friends? ALLEGRA Uh huh. SUZY Best friends could stab each other and it’d be OK. We’d forgive each other for things, huh? ALLEGRA You mean like for stealing this car and not telling me? SUZY Yeah. That. And for kissing your boyfriend? ALLEGRA . . . SUZY Now you’re mad. ALLEGRA . . . SUZY I didn’t mean to. It just happened. ALLEGRA . . . SUZY I’m sorry. You deserve better anyway. ALLEGRA No I don’t. SUZY Oh, honey, yes you do. We both do. ALLEGRA I think this trip was a mistake. SUZY No it wasn’t. ALLEGRA Don’t talk to me. Just don’t talk to me. SUZY What did I do?

a scene i had to delete from incendiary

i like this scene. i'm sorry to have to lose it. Scene 25 (TOMMY, JIMMY, GARY and CARRIE in CARRIE’s burnt office. JIMMY is flipping through a phone book.) CARRIE My rug. TOMMY And you sure she went to this boyfriend’s house. CARRIE I’m not sure but where else would she go? JIMMY Statberg? CARRIE No. It was Jake Statsomething. JIMMY Stathouse? CARRIE No. TOMMY Keep looking. CARRIE I loved that rug. I can’t believe she burned that rug. You remember when I got that rug, Gary? Gary? GARY So we’re cool now, right? TOMMY I don’t know what you mean. Do you know what he means? JIMMY I haven’t the foggiest. GARY So you can leave me alone now and go after her. TOMMY Well, how do we know she set the other building on fire? JIMMY That’s true. We don’t know that. CARRIE She did set it on fire. GARY When you catch her, I’m sure she’ll tell you all about it. JIMMY Yeah but . . . GARY What? TOMMY See the thing is, you can’t really believe what people tell you under torture. GARY Then why do you do it? JIMMY It’s our nature. Statler? CARRIE No. GARY So what? I have to go with you? CARRIE Yeah, yeah, let’s go with them. GARY Darling. CARRIE What? GARY You’re not helping. TOMMY You still owe Liz some spy stuff, right? I think you better come along with us at least until we get a hold of this dame. GARY But he’s a cop. Why am I following you to some cop’s house? JIMMY He’s a cop? CARRIE Yeah. Detective Jake Stasomething. TOMMY We’re going to some detective’s house? JIMMY What, all of a sudden you are afraid of the law? TOMMY I just want to get it clear. We’re going to go in there and get some broad from some cop? GARY You can’t handle that? TOMMY I can handle don’t ask me what I can handle. CARRIE Do you think I’m a bad therapist? I mean she’s right, I didn’t help her stop setting fires. But sometimes it made her so happy I didn’t even want to help her. Helping her would hurt her. You should have seen the look on her face when she talked about it. It was like when we were first married, Gary how you used to look at me. Why don’t you look at me like that anymore? Was it something I did or something I said or did you just grow sick of me or is it something else? You know, we go to school get our license and everything but really it’s all instinct and my instinct was telling me to let her set fires throughout the city. Am I a bad person? Is that why you don’t look at me like that anymore? JIMMY Hey, now, I bet you’re a really good therapist. TOMMY Jimmy Splinters is right. I already feel better just being in this room. Although I do think you should get a new rug. JIMMY I know a guy. CARRIE But do you feel your antisocial impulses confirmed? TOMMY I’m very social. CARRIE Or are you going to give it all up because you realize it’s wrong and harmful to society. JIMMY What we do is not harmful to society. We are like checks and balances. Some guy gets out of line, he’s got to be put into check. GARY How noble. TOMMY Don’t get smart. JIMMY Wait, is it Jake Stratford? CARRIE Yeah. I think so. JIMMY Tommy, you remember Detective Stratford? TOMMY No . . . oh, yeah. (sincerely) A shame about his wife. JIMMY That was a shame. Here it is. Twenty Sixth street. TOMMY Let’s go. Scene 26

A Christmas Play

The Global Warming Christmas Pageant (Christmas lights fill the stage. Perhaps there are large candy canes and snow. Enter the SNOWMAN NARRATOR) SNOWMAN NARRATOR Let me tell you the story of the Christmas which almost never was. (Enter SANTA in an easy chair, surrounded by elves.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR For fifty years the elves had been saying ELVES Santa, we’ve got to do something about all the toy factory smoke. (Lights up on toy smokestacks in the distance turning out fat plumes of smoke) SNOWMAN NARRATOR And Santa would reply. SANTA Nonsense! SNOWMAN NARRATOR Or SANTA Yeah Yeah yeah. SNOWMAN NARRATOR Or SANTA If I hear one more word about it, I’m revoking all the Christmas bonuses. SNOWMAN NARRATOR The elves were despondent. ELVES We are despondent. SNOWMAN NARRATOR They knew any good they did by making toys for children was canceled out by the bad bad smokestacks which were making greenhouse gases that would forever alter the climate of the Earth. ELVES That makes us sad. SNOWMAN NARRATOR But more immediately, they knew that the North Pole was in some serious trouble. They tried again to reason with Santa. ELF 1 The ice in the North Pole is disappearing. We need to do something about our emissions. SANTA (smoking) Nonsense. A little smoke never hurt anyone. ELF 2 But the scientists say-- SANTA I don’t believe in science. I believe in magic. ELF 3 So maybe you could use some magic to prevent global climate change. SANTA I have toy making magic. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now please go. I want to test out the new Wii. SNOWMAN NARRATOR The day came when the elves had to leave the North Pole. (ELVES pack up suitcases.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR There was no longer enough ice to walk on. It all cracked and melted. (The candy canes fall over. The snow melts.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR The polar bears were drowning. The elves built big boats and decided to emigrate to Canada in droves. I have to go too. I’m going to die here. I’m melting. It’s so warm. It’s so warm. (The SNOWMAN sits down and tries to get cold.) ELVES Santa, we’re going to go now. We built boats. Are you coming. SANTA No, I’m going to stay here. ELVES But there will be no more North Pole. Your house will fall into the ocean. There will be nowhere to stand. SANTA I’ll be fine. ELF 4 Your wife left a long time ago. SANTA I know she left! LITTLEST ELF Santa, have you been drinking? SANTA What of it? Leave an old man in peace. SNOWMAN NARRATOR And so the elves left to start their lives over and Santa sat and cried and sat and cried. (SANTA cries loudly) SNOWMAN NARRATOR And then the day came when his house sank into the ocean. (SANTA falls off his chair. The SNOWMAN is lying down too.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR I’m having trouble breathing. I’m melting, children. SANTA I can’t swim. The water is so cold. SNOWMAN NARRATOR It’s so warm. SANTA It’s so cold. SNOWMAN NARRATOR Not cold enough. At this point Santa began to drown. (SANTA begins to drown.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR But wait, stop because there is something you can do. SANTA Clap your hands together and say I do believe in Santa Claus. I do believe in Santa Claus. (The ELVES come out.) SNOWMAN NARRATOR, ELVES, SANTA (Clapping) I do believe in Santa Claus. I do believe in Santa Claus. SANTA Christmas is saved! Hurrah! SNOWMAN NARRATOR OK, well, maybe this year it's ok. But that’s just a band aid. I’m still melting an’ everything. Now go home and turn off the lights after you leave the room and don’t use so much water and tell your parents to use low energy light bulbs and that they should stop driving such big cars and perhaps, perhaps Santa won’t die of asphyxiation after all of his elves leave him to live in Canada. Good night, and Merry Christmas. http://www.climatecrisis.net/takeaction/

scene

This is something I'm working on. These are not the real character names. I had to change them to protect the secrecy of this very secret and confidential project. ACTOR (Reading from the side) So here we are. LILY Yes, we are here. ACTOR At our prom. LILY Yes. ACTOR I can’t tell you how much this night means to me. J Excuse me. That’s good but could you be closer? (LILY gets closer) ACTOR I can’t tell you how much this night means to me. LILY To me too. ACTOR To be touching you finally. To have you in my arms. J Closer still. (LILY gets closer) That’s better. LILY When did you first notice me? ACTOR I don’t remember. It’s like you were always there just out of my reach like a wanton cookie I really wanted or like the most beautiful girl that ever existed. No, wait I remember. It was the start of your freshman year. It was fall. The leaves were falling. LILY Am I holding you too tightly? ACTOR There was a morning mist in the air, a foggy beautiful mist like the start of something. And then the mist parted and you walked through it. Immediately I couldn’t breathe. Was it an asthma attack? I felt I had been shot through the lung, but no, it was the heart instead. I was forever transformed. Who knew it would take me three years to build up the courage to speak to you? Who knew I could speak after that fateful day? LILY And now you’re going off to college. ACTOR I am. LILY Will we ever see each other again? ACTOR Of course. LILY You’ll forget about me. ACTOR I could never do that. Not without some severe brain damage. LILY You’ll find some other girl. ACTOR No. LILY Someone in some way better. ACTOR That’s not possible. LILY You’ll find someone lovier. ACTOR No. LILY She will worship you. ACTOR I worship you. LILY You do, don’t you? I like the way it feels in your arms. ACTOR I like you in my arms. LILY I want tonight to be special. ACTOR It is. I’m here. You’re here. LILY I want tonight—kiss me. J Can we do that? Can we see that kiss? (Hopefully there is a kiss and LILY goes weak at the knees.) ACTOR That was special. LILY It sure was. ACTOR There’s something I have to tell you however. LILY What? (Enter DAVID.) DAVID Excuse me. Hi. LILY Not now! DAVID I’m sorry. J You don’t look sorry. DAVID What? J Nothing. LILY WHAT IS IT? DAVID It’s a little loud. If you could please keep it down. LILY Why are you doing this to me? DAVID I’m sorry? LILY I don’t think you know how bad I need this. It’s been a long time, a very very long time and you are trying to prevent me from getting what I really really need. DAVID What are you talking about? LILY You don’t understand. Nobody understands. Nobody understands me. It is very hard for me. It’s very very very very very hard and I can’t take it anymore. (LILY breaks down. DAVID looks worried.)

a scene

here is a scene from my new play. first draft as
always. this time it's in response to the joshua
james challenge.

http://playwrightjoshuajames.com/dailydojo/?p=225

(In the desert, JONES and SARAH)

JONES
I've been wanting to talk to you?

SARAH
Oh?

JONES
Yeah.

SARAH
What about?

JONES
I've seen you looking at me.

SARAH
What do you mean?

JONES
You know what I mean.

SARAH
What do you mean?

JONES
It's OK. You don't have to pretend. I know how you
feel and I dig it.

SARAH
You dig it?

JONES
Yeah, because I have a soft spot for you. This kind
of thing happens to me over and over in my life.
People fall in love with me. I'm used to it. It's
become a bit of a theme for me. Although it never has
worked out. Sometimes it will work out for a while
but in the end, it never works out because when it
comes down to it, I never feel the same way about them
as they feel about me. Which is how this is different
though. Because I have strong feelings for you.

SARAH
You do?

JONES
I want you to know however strongly you feel about me,
I feel just as strongly about you, or almost as
strongly in any case. It's the way you laugh… more
than anything it's that. The way you laugh, I feel
that all inside me. And I just know. I'm not really
sure why. It's the volume of your laugh maybe or the
snide thing you say before it that adds to it. The
way your face crinkles up. I'm not sure what exactly
but it grabs me by the throat and squeezes everything
out of me. You could kill with that laugh.

SARAH
Thanks.

JONES
Yeah, so I just though you should know. You don't
have to hide the way you feel. Because I feel that
way too and maybe from now on we could find more ways
to spend time together alone like this getting to know
each other better.

SARAH
Yeah, see . . .

JONES
You don't have to say anything. I can see it in your
eyes.

SARAH
I think I should say something though.

JONES
You don't have to though. Don't say a word. Just
close your eyes.

SARAH
Um.

(JONES kisses SARAH)

SARAH
Oh.

JONES
You can do better than that. Let's try that again.

(JONES leans in and SARAH pushes him away.)

SARAH
I don't think so.

JONES
What? Too much tongue?

SARAH
No. Yes. The thing is that I don't really feel that
way about you.

JONES
You don't have to pretend.

SARAH
I'm not pretending. It's just that you're not really
like the kind of guy I usually date.

JONES
Well I am one of a kind.

SARAH
That's not what I mean.

JONES
You aren't serious that you're not into me.

SARAH
There's someone else I have feelings for.

JONES
What, like back home? Because back home is far far
away.

SARAH
Here.

JONES
But I'm the only man around any woman could seriously
consider.

SARAH
Except Hank.

JONES
Yeah but . . .

SARAH
And I'm sorry it won't work out for us but I have to
say I am impressed with your confidence. It's
inspiring. In fact, I think I should follow your
example.

JONES
Yeah but—

SARAH
I've waited long enough. I need to tell him how I
feel. Don't you think?

JONES
Yeah, but he's gay.

SARAH
No, he's not. Hank?

JONES
Oh, come on, you seriously don't know that he's gay?

SARAH
But gays aren't allowed in the military.

JONES
Sarah, seriously. You don't know that he's gay?

SARAH
I know the way he looks at me.

JONES
I know the way he looks at me.

SARAH
You're wrong.

JONES
OK.

SARAH
You just see. He's going to marry me and then you'll
see.

JONES
Oh, like that will prove it.

SARAH
You'll see. I will tell him how I feel about him and
then he and I . . .

JONES
Listen, the only way either of us is going to have any
sex is if we're fucking each other.

SARAH
I'm going to go find Hank.

JONES
If you're honest with yourself, really honest, I think
you'll find that you're really into me.

SARAH
I don't feel that way about you.

JONES
Really?

SARAH
I just don't.

JONES
I think you do.

SARAH
(Exiting)
No.

JONES
(Following her out)
Oh, come on. Really? Well, we can still have sex.
Hey, Sarah, we can still have sex! Come on!

scene from new play--first draft as always

(Back at the White House, CHENEY watches the PRESIDENT playing with the puppets.) PRESIDENT Oh, Mr. President, you’re so smart and funny. Thank you. You’re also such a talented artist. Thank you. What is that? A tree? It’s a giraffe. You like it though? I love it. And I know a lot about art. I am an art specialist. Oh, you are? Yes I am. I would like to have sex with you. Oh, my. But I have a wife who I love. But I really want to have sex with you. It’s one of the ten commandments. I’m sorry I just can’t. Oh, I’m so disappointed. CHENEY Mr. President, can I talk to you for a minute? PRESIDENT Can’t you see I’m busy? I’m making plans. I’ve got a lot of planning to do, planning various things. Lots to do here in the White House. CHENEY I know, sir. It’s just . . . PRESIDENT Not, now, Cheney. CHENEY Ok, sir, I’ll talk to you later. (CHENEY does not move.) PRESIDENT (tries to go back to playing with puppets but there is no joy in it.) See now I can’t concentrate. CHENEY Sorry, sir. PRESIDENT Why did you have to interrupt. You saw I was working, didn’t you? CHENEY I’m sorry, sir. PRESIDENT All right, what was it you wanted? CHENEY It’s just, well I’m not sure how’ll you’ll take this. PRESIDENT I don’t want to hear any more about any polls. CHENEY No, it’s not that sir. It’s these feelings that I’m having. PRESIDENT Don’t ever trust your feelings. You feelings will lead you to do stupid things that are often not in your best interest. Have you ever read The Prince? CHEENY No. PRESIDENT Well, me either but it’s on my reading list. CHENEY I wanted to tell you. PRESIDENT What? CHENEY That I admire you. PRESIDENT Well, of course you admire me. I’m your president. CHENEY No, I really admire you and I think about you a lot. PRESIDENT Well, I think about you too. CHENEY No, like a whole lot. PRESIDENT As you should. CHENEY But I dream about you. I think about you when I’m having relations with the wife. I day dream about you when you’re not in the room, wanting and wishing that you would come in the room so I can be near your magnetic energy. PRESIDENT Do you think about my paintings? CHENEY Not really. PRESIDENT I’m done with this conversation. CHENEY Well, sometimes I imagine that you ask me to pose for you and you say why don’t we try it without the shirt and so I take off the shirt and then you say maybe you should take off those pants too. They look uncomfortable and you know, they are so I take them off and then you say maybe without the boxers too and so there I am in my black socks completely naked, exposed in front of you. PRESIDENT Maybe I should paint you. CHENEY You should? PRESIDENT My problem is that I can’t paint people. I don’t understand or care about people really and it makes it hard to paint them. They all look the same like puppets. Identical puppets or at least that is what my critics say. But I want to understand people, I do. Especially if it will make me a better artist. All I want is to be alone in my room with my paints but I can’t do that I have all these obligations—I never would have even thought of trying to be president either if I had only been able to sell a painting. no one wanted one, not even mother. And all the other businesses I ran were failing terribly, probably because I was drunk all the time, so I thought well if all else fails at least I can become president. And that might not be so very bad. But what I really want is to be a famous painter. They would look at them, everyone would and they would see amazing things and they would say “look at that.” “Look at how well he understands the human condition” and “wow! The things he is saying with his art.” “Wowee, what a brilliant genius.” “the New York Times calls the President a brilliant genius.” It’s about freakin time that paper starts being fair to me. The next painting. Once they see the next painting they will have to accept me. The polls will shoot up and everyone will see. They will see that I understand people and the plight of the person. Humanity. I can’t paint people. CHENEY You can paint me, Mr. President. PRESIDENT Yeah? Hmm. Well, maybe I should be painting someone more attractive though. Don’t you think?