From The Onion

From The Onion

Friends Always On Best Behavior Around Neil LaBute March 23, 2005 | Issue 41•12

FORT WAYNE, IN—Personal acquaintances of acclaimed playwright and filmmaker Neil LaBute reported Tuesday that they keep their behavior in check when around him. "You get in one stupid argument with your wife in front of the guy, and the next thing you know, you're an emotionally abusive misogynist in theaters nationwide," said Terrence Wydell, one of LaBute's former classmates. "With Neil, it's best to limit the conversation to the weather and current events." LaBute is reportedly at work on The Act Of Lending, a play about a character named Terrence who borrows DVDs through intimidation and verbal cruelty, with no intention of ever returning them.

I have to put in my two cents about Cataract

You should go see it. It is not by any means perfect but it is well worth your time. I think what Lisa and Katie are doing is exciting and that all theatre should not necessarily be an off broadway version of TV.

Especially if you are a theatre person, you should go see it. Because Lisa has a worthwhile and exciting voice that should be heard and the actors are incredible and it's theatrical and different and good.

I'm not even writing real words anymore

Becuse w gnows fhg in dreamsy org Lief ye fryg fhg japst oh gjorey er godd le plapple undre scorry Tudey is Thrusdey and E em tiiired

I fashioned a heart from the blunt end of my knife. i fashioned a cord from the lost fkdsglksvn blah

I am tired and cold and overcome with not being overcome at all. it is fashionable and deadly and I am off to work for moments and seconds and a day of gray time and photocopying.

Am I wasting my time on this earth doing the wrong thing.? I wonder this. am I not writing right or am I supposed to be doing something else or this but better?

today, tomorrow and all week

My time is parceled out. 7 1/2 hours to sleep. 2 hours to wake up, shower, get dressed, write a scene, drink some tea, eat some toast and leave. one hour to commute to my job. 15 minutes to email before starting to work. one hour of lunch. Leave work early? Have to make up for it another day. Run to rehearse reading at Juilliard. An hour to rehearse a 90 minute play. Well, less than an hour because someone will be late and they need time before the reading starts. 40 minutes to rehearse. 25 minutes to be nervous before the reading. 90 minutes to watch the reading. 30 or so minutes to talk about the reading with the people who have stayed. By then it's 9 or 9:30. time for a drink? not If I want 7 1/2 hours of sleep. maybe just one. well, maybe another one too. I'll just set my alarm to a later time. and I won't write tomorrow. and I will be half awake for work. I will sleep on my lunch break. I will sleep through the play I will see tomorrow. I will sleep through dinner. i will not sleep. i will write.

ist draft of new scene--plot, plot, plot

LIZ I’m sure you know that our drop site was compromised last night. GARY No, I didn’t know. LIZ You didn’t know that the building in which you hid the documents for me to find burned down last night? GARY It did? LIZ You didn’t know this. GARY No, I didn’t. LIZ We find that hard to believe. GARY It’s true. LIZ It just so happens that you’re late getting us some information and then it so happens that when you do drop it off, the place burns down? GARY Odd, isn’t it? LIZ I don’t suppose you have a copy of this information we’re waiting on. GARY No, of course not. It could be traced back to me. Destroy any evidence you said—make only one copy. LIZ I know what I said. GARY It will take a while for me to get information like that again. LIZ You know what we think? We think you’re trying to sever ties with us. GARY No. No. LIZ You know you can’t do that, right? We sever ties with you, not the other way around. GARY I understand. LIZ And you don’t want us to sever ties with you if you catch my meaning. GARY What do you mean? LIZ Never mind what I mean. GARY But. LIZ You know what I mean. GARY Yes. But I didn’t start the fire. I swear. LIZ We find that hard to believe. GARY I’m going to find out who started that fire and then you’ll see. LIZ You are, are you? GARY Yes. LIZ OK, I’ll give you a couple days. Bring this arsonist to us and if we believe you we’ll go easy on you. But in the meantime, get that long overdue information to us. GARY I’ll try. LIZ You do that. And if I don’t see results early next week, I’m going to send someone to come find you. You don’t want that. GARY You won’t have to do that. LIZ Good. I’m glad we understand one another. It was good to meet you in Austria and good to see you again this evening. GARY Yes, I so enjoyed the orchestra and reacquainting myself with you. (Exit GARY.)

From SF production of High Noon

I snatched this from Pan Theater's site. Unless there is another play in which a cowgirl is tied up, I'm pretty sure this is from my show.

upcoming shows

Barhoppers in Los Angeles will do my 10 min play America At War April 24.

Dragonfly will do my 10 min play Snow in Boston in May.

Packawallop (NYC) will do full length Nerve directed by Scott Ebersold starring Susan O'Connor* and Travis York* 4 weeks in May in the Urban Stages Space.

Sanctuary Playwrights Theatre (NYC) will do my spanking new full length play Food For Fish in the Kraine Space 4 weekends in July. to be directed by Alexis Poledouris.

Madcap Players (DC) will do a production of full length Pretty Theft for 5 nights in July in the brand new Capitol City Fringe. Chris Snipe directs.

details on some of these things will follow

sat

Hi all, 10 min plays being read this weekend.

A1 First Annual April Fool's Ten-Minute Playwriting Festival

Saturday April 1, 2:00p-3:45p Room 305 FREE

featuring short plays by Juilliard playwrights Zina Camblin, Kara Corthron, Bathsheba Doran, Jessica Provenz, Tommy Smith, Ben Snyder, Adam Szymkowicz & Brian Tucker

read by a smorgasbord of Juilliard actors including Noel Allain, Stephen Bel Davies, Amari Cheatom, Gina Crandell, Maxwell de Paula, Ravenna Fahey, Stephen King, Jessica Love, Erica Newhouse, Jared Nathan, Anna O'Donoghue, Johnny Ramey, Ben Rappaport, Joy Suprano, Jasmine Tavarez & Rob Thompson

stage directions provided by Anthony Wofford

bring a friend. love, A1

and this about fires

It was never looked at, as maybe I just loved fires. I did just love fires. It was a seemingly simple problem that many people have tried to make into a complex puzzle.” There is love in this narrative, but in this case, as in too many others, the love object is fire itself — supporting the belief that some female firesetters are passionate paramours of flame. In his famous pop music recording, Robert Palmer told us that we might as well admit that we’re “Addicted to Love.” Significant numbers of women are addicted to fire. The combined power, heat, vibrancy, sight, sound, smell, taste and feel of fire is as thrilling as sexual intimacy. Suzette, another patient of the author, stated, “It’s like doing drugs. I feel high and spaced out... euphoric, I guess would be the word. After, I feel so good.”

some dramaturgy/research

Personal Accounts: Memoirs of a Compulsive Firesetter some excerpts: Each summer I look forward to the beginning of fire season as well as the fall—the dry and windy season. I set my fires alone. I am also very impulsive, which makes my behavior unpredictable. I exhibit paranoid characteristics when I am alone, always looking around me to see if someone is following me. I picture everything burnable around me on fire. I watch the local news broadcasts for fires that have been set each day and read the local newspapers in search of articles dealing with suspicious fires. I read literature about fires, firesetters, pyromania, pyromaniacs, arson, and arsonists. I contact government agencies about fire information and keep up-to-date on the arson detection methods investigators use. I watch movies and listen to music about fires. My dreams are about fires that I have set, want to set, or wish I had set. I like to investigate fires that are not my own, and I may call to confess to fires that I did not set. I love to drive back and forth in front of fire stations, and I have the desire to pull every fire alarm I see. I am self-critical and defensive, I fear failure, and I sometimes behave suicidally. During the fire. Watching the fire from a perfect vantage point is important to me. I want to see the chaos as well as the destruction that I or others have caused. Talking to authorities on the phone or in person while the action is going on can be part of the thrill. I enjoy hearing about the fire on the radio or watching it on television, learning about all the possible motives and theories that officials have about why and how the fire started. After the fire is out. At this time I feel sadness and anguish and a desire to set another fire. Overall it seems that the fire has created a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Several days after the fire. I revel in the notoriety of the unknown firesetter, even if I did not set the fire. I also return again to see the damage and note areas of destruction on an area map.

scene for the blog--incendiary

(Back at the bar, Jake and Elise are getting drunk. Tom, Stu and jane are doing shots.)

STU I was never what you would call lucky in love.

JANE I’ve been divorced more times than the circus has come to this town.

TOM I had sex with a clown once.

(They all do shots in unison.)

JAKE I like when you look at me like that.

ELISE Like what?

JAKE Your eyes. There’s fire in them

ELISE I know. It’s part of the job.

JAKE It’s beautiful

ELISE Thank you. You’re not so hard to look at yourself. It’s disarming.

JAKE It’s supposed to be.

ELISE I’ll be right back

(Exit ELISE) TOM I like big butts. You know, really big butts? Like your wife’s butt, Stu.

STU When no one’s home I like to smoke cloves and masturbate to internet photos of exotic-looking women.

JANE I like to date men who I know if it ever came down to it, in a bare-knuckled fight I could kick his ass.

(They down shots)

(ELISE returns. She hands JAKE her underwear.)

JAKE What’s this?

ELISE It’s my underwear.

JAKE What do I do with it?

ELISE It’s supposed to be sexy. You’re supposed to like it.

JAKE Oh, I do.

ELISE Never mind.

JAKE It’s sexy.

ELISE Just give it back to me.

JAKE No, I get it. It’s sexy. I’ll hold onto them if that’s OK.

ELISE OK.

JAKE But I could give them back later, if you want them back, after the moment has passed.

ELISE That’s thoughtful.

JAKE Thanks.

ELISE Maybe you should kiss me now.

(They kiss.)

JANE Whoa.

STU Hey!

TOM Ho.

JANE I’ve never been kissed like that.

(They do shots.)

Incendiary

is, I think, the title of my play in progress.

April 4 at 7pm

I'm having a reading at Juilliard of my Hamlet play which is currently titled "Herbie: A Cowboy Comedy"

Let me know if you want to come and I'll put you on the list.

a scene I cut out of Pretty Theft

SCENE 29 (In the Motel room, the air turns strange. We are in a dream. MARCO is gone. The other cast members enter as dancers and creatures to begin another ballet.) (SUZY is still on the floor.)

BALLERINA 1 Deep in a chemically induced slumber, Suzy has a dream.

BALLERINA 2 Omigod! Are you Ok?

SUZY What?

BALLERINA 1 There’s something wrong with you.

SUZY Not me, I’m special I’m fine. I’m good. Not like any other.

BALLERINA 2 You really don’t know, do you?

BOBBY (as a medic) Miss, are you all right.

SUZY Why?

BOBBY You’ve been in a terrible accident, you've fallen from . . . well, you may still be falling.

SUZY What’s going on?

(DANCERS all look up in horror and run around frantic.)

BOBBY You’ll be OK. I’m here to help you.

SUZY No one ever helps me.

BOBBY I will.

SUZY I have unique and special needs. I’m not used to them being fulfilled.

BOBBY Let me know what they are. No, don’t try to get up. Tell me how I can help.

SUZY To start, I require strength both from others and from myself.

BOBBY Sure

SUZY I am drastically underrated. I don’t know how to play the stock market but have a strong belief I could figure it out in good time. I have a strong backstroke and wish I could get around merely by swimming.

BOBBY Interesting.

SUZY Thank you. I have to dance whenever I hear any sort of music from the 80’s. Even ads for soda and kitty litter jingles. I prefer not to dance alone.

BOBBY Of course

SUZY Good. I will need to grandstand at least once a week. Don’t be surprised if I do it in my pajamas that is if I wear pajamas to bed that night. Grandstanding must be done immediately in the morning on the first day one feels that special something. You shall not grandstand not unless you can prove that you too feel that special something, which of course you will not be able to do.

BOBBY Ok.

SUZY You must prove to me that I’m the most important thing there is. You must adore me and accept me and approve of all I do.

BOBBY I’m falling in love with you.

SUZY Of course. Now kiss me.

BOBBY Yes ma’am.

BALLERINA 1 But the wind suddenly takes him away.

(The BALLERINAS pick him up and carry him off.)

BALLERINA 2 And she is once again alone.

SUZY Help me I’m alone. I’ve fallen and I’m stuck. I’m close to death or at least misery. Help me, won’t you help me please.

BALLERINA 2 The insects are dead. The sun is dead. The sand is dead. There is no water.

BALLERINA 1 Still in the desert, still fallen, she moans.

(SUZY moans.)

BALLERINA 2 And buzzards pick the clothes from her body.

(The dancers pretending to be buzzards, attack her and try to take her clothes.)

(ALLEGRA rises.)

ALLEGRA I’m better than you in every way. I’m stronger and smarter and much much prettier.

SUZY Help.

ALLEGRA (singing) I am golden. I am sweet. I will make a life complete. I am the perfect girl in every way. I am the perfect girl, in this perfect world on this perfect day.

BOBBY Oh darling.

ALLEGRA Oh darling.

(BOBBY and ALLEGRA kiss.)

SUZY Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

BALLERINA 1 She feels her lashes being brushed. Her hair being touched. Her clothes being taken away.

SUZY I am beautiful

BALLERINA 2 No, you’re not.

BALLERINA 11 Suzy feels breathing very close to her. All around her. All up inside her. But she cannot see anything.

(The DANCERS breathe on her but when she turns they are gone.)

BALLERINA 2 She knows there is something inside her that’s screaming to get out. Sometimes it is very small and sometimes it roars. But it hasn’t got out yet.

SUZY Someone pay attention to me. I am unique. I have big thoughts. Pay attention to me! I deserve it!

(The BALLERINAS pick up SUZY and ALLEGRA and put them to bed.)

I've been feeling bad about not joining the many interesting theatre conversations. (Take a look on my blogroll) But I just don't have anything interesting to say and I'm getting burnt out talking theatre.

I also think I reach a point periodically, usually when I'm writing, where I can take only so much input and too much more will mess with my output.

So I'm sorry I'm not being a blog conversationalist at the moment. I'm interested. I'm just in a cave right now.

thurs scene (as always a first draft)

(LIZ sitting at a table in a café. There is something fishy about her. Enter GARY. He stands by her table.)

LIZ Are you the waiter?

GARY No. I am a friend of yours.

LIZ I am only friends with people from Villanova or Austria.

GARY I am from both places. I was in the orchestra.

LIZ Please sit.

GARY (sitting) Can I speak frankly?

LIZ No. It’s not secure.

GARY Let me just say that some things have been accomplished.

LIZ Which things?

GARY The things.

LIZ All the things?

(Enter WAITER.)

WAITER Hi. My name is Paul. I will be your server today. What can I get you?

LIZ Paul, we need a few minutes.

WAITER Can I get you drinks while you decide?

LIZ No, Paul. Please come back later.

WAITER Sure. The special of the day is a pan seared salmon--

LIZ Please go away. Seriously. I’m serious. Really.

WAITER Fine.

GARY Thanks, Paul.

WAITER Yeah, yeah . . .

(Exit WAITER.)

LIZ You were saying.

GARY I was saying. I need another week. But here’s part one.

(GARY slides something across the table. LIZ takes it.)

LIZ I don’t even think there’s time to order another drop.

GARY I’ll get it to you.

LIZ If you can’t deliver on time . . .

GARY I just need another week.

LIZ You already had another week.

GARY One more.

LIZ I’ll try to set something up. This can’t keep happening though.

GARY I understand.

LIZ You played the trombone in the marching band.

GARY Yes, and you twirled the flaming baton.

LIZ Good to see you old friend.

GARY Likewise.

(GARY gets up.)

(CARRIE enters, sees her husband GARY dining with another woman)

CARRIE Gary!

GARY Carrie!

WAITER Are you ready to order now?

GARY It’s not what it seems like.

CARRIE It sure seems that way.

WAITER Should I get one more place setting?

CARRIE No, thank you.

GARY Don’t make a scene. I can explain everything. But first we must leave.

CARRIE I’m leaving. Don’t bother coming home tonight.

GARY But . . . Carrie!

LIZ This is so non-professional.

WAITER Can I get you drinks?

I am sick sick

I am propped up by Dayquil

but will get to meet David Ives later today and perhaps he will tell me what's wrong with my 10 minute play.

I've been home sick

and having the craziest dreams.

Three people in gray robes were repeating over and over.

Sleep Sleep Sleep

And you know they were actually kind of comforting.

ISBN/Code: 0-8222-2136-5

hooo yaaa!

Deflowering Waldo is on it's way to the high style presses of DPS.

One more because it's friday--not the next scene but a scene nonetheless

(At a bar. JAKE wears a different tie. ELISE wears a skirt under her raincoat. She still has her big rubber boots.)

JAKE I had to shoot him. I didn’t want to. I still have nightmares about it. But I had to do it. If I had to do it again, I’d do the same thing. I take the law very seriously.

ELISE Is that right?

JAKE I’m sure you take your job very seriously too. Being the youngest ever fire chief and all.

ELISE You read up on me.

JAKE I am a detective.

ELISE I found out a little about you too.

JAKE What’s that?

ELISE You live alone. No pets even. You drink too much. You swear too much. You call your mother on Sundays. You never call your father. Your socks often don’t match. You never learned to swim. You’ve never been married but you had an exgirlfriend you loved more than anything. She died when a tourboat caught fire in the Carribean. You were supposed to be on that boat but you couldn’t get the time off. Some nights you wished you had died with her—suffocated and then burned to death. Other times you imagine you could have saved her even though you never learned to swim. You couldn’t cope for a while after her death. They gave you time off after you crashed up a coupe or two. Then you spent a little time in a white room with cushy walls. When you returned they gave you fire duty. You have an almost religious need to catch the arsonist. And while I believe you have interest in me, I can’t help but think you want to be close to me in case it helps your case in the long run. That and I’m the best looking firefighter in New York. Although they didn’t print that.

JAKE Well . . . I guess you did your homework. Anything else?

ELISE Yeah. You’re an excellent detective. You almost always get your man.

JAKE What about women?

ELISE We’ll have to see. The night is still young.

another scene (1st draft, people)

(The Police Station. JAKE sits at his desk, his head in his hands. He takes a swig from a whiskey bottle and then puts his head back in his hands.)

TOM Detective.

JAKE Tom.

JANE Detective.

JAKE Jane.

STU Detective.

JAKE Stu. TOM Hittin’ the bottle pretty hard.

STU Drinkin’ like a fish.

JANE Sumptin’ on your mind?

JAKE No, no. It’s this damn arsonist. TOM Yeah, he’s making you look pretty bad.

STU Cripes, I wouldn’t want to be you.

JANE No leads, huh?

JAKE None. Real professional jobs, all of them. And done with such precision.

TOM And malice.

STU Bloody anarchy.

JANE Hope he fries, the flaming bastard. TOM Ain’t no reason for a man like that to live even.

STU Sick is what it is.

JAKE I dunno. You know what really gets me?

JANE What?

TOM What?

STU What?

JAKE The unmitigated gall. Coming to my town starting fires. We work hard to keep order.

JANE, TOM, STU We do.

JAKE The size of the balls on this bastard comes to my town lighting fires. Chaos. The streets full of screeching fire engines. The danger of speeding traffic. The heat of the fire itself. Little old ladies crossing the street. Fire hoses. Ladders. The whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. What kind of person causes such chaos? It’s sick.

JANE You’ll get em, Jake.

STU Don’t worry.

TOM Hang in there, slugger.

(The phone rings.)

JAKE Hello. I’ll be right there. (hangs up the phone.) If you’ll excuse me, I got a fire downtown I got to get to.

And may I recommend

FOr you NYCers, A Living Room in Africa produced by the Edge Theatre Co. Now at Theatre Row.

I'm actually going to see this again it was so good. I read this play a couple years ago and I loved it then. It's even better now. Bash Doran was a year above me at Columbia and is now two years above me at Juilliard. She is one to watch.

Also if you have never seen an Edge production, you really have to see this. The Cantor/ Korins team is unbeatable. They've done some Adam Rapp in the past. They did Ann Marie Healy's play also "Now That's What I call a Storm". And last year it was Orange Flower Water.

I'm telling you though, go see this play.

A

NEW

Here is the start of something--wrote in Paula Vogel workshop at the flea. This will be film noir project. 1 (A therapists office. CARRIE is in professional attire. ELISE wears a fireman’s hat, a long raincoat and big rubber boots.) CARRIE Before we start, congratulations on the promotion. ELISE Thank you. It was in the— CARRIE Yes, I read it. The youngest fire chief in New York City ever. Very impressive. ELISE Thank you. CARRIE You must be very proud. ELISE Things have been going well. CARRIE That’s always good to hear. What else is going on? You missed last week’s session. ELISE Been a lot of fires recently. CARRIE I see. And . . . uh these are-- ELISE Oh, we’ve been keeping ahead of them. Don’t worry. CARRIE I’m not worried, I’m asking-- ELISE Although the dating has slowed down, you know since the promotion. Men are threatened by a woman in power. CARRIE Let’s talk about why you feel that way. ELISE I don’t think we need to talk about it. I mean it’s true, right? CARRIE Well, I consider myself a successful woman and I--- ELISE Jesus Christ. Can we get through one session without talking about your husband? CARRIE I wasn’t—I’m sorry. ELISE I swear. CARRIE How is your impulse control these days? ELISE Oh, come on— CARRIE I think it’s important to discuss. ELISE Have I been starting fires, you mean. CARRIE Well, yes. ELISE I don’t think you understand. A fire is the most beautiful thing ever created. I dare you to show me a work of art that can rival a three alarm fire. You couldn’t do it. You just couldn’t. And I like art as much as the next person but I wonder always when I see a Van Gogh or a Rembrant--I imagine, as I’m sure you do, what it would look like on fire. That second before the painting caves in, that would be incomparable. But sadly, I don’t think any of us will live to see it. We could burn prints, I suppose, cheap gift store prints, but it would just be paper. No melting paint, no disintegrating wood. It’s a waste. Cause, a fire--there’s nothing like a good fire. At first it’s just a match, a little yellow flame, and it need nurturing to grow to an inferno. Those oranges, those yellows, those cores of blue don’t just happen by themselves. They take planning. They take skill. I am not some kerosene dousing fourteen year old—no. I am an artist. I can make flames that lick the sky and tear down warehouses while leaving buildings inches away unscathed. And of course, me and the boys are always around to come and put it out in case anything should happen. CARRIE You need to stop. ELISE I don’t need to do anything. CARRIE It’s not right. ELISE No one’s been hurt. CARRIE It’s just a matter of time. You need to stop. ELISE I can’t. It’s too beautiful. It’s way too beautiful.

Also

I am looking for film noir movies I can watch--especially with a femme fatale who ends up being the criminal the gumshoe is looking for. an Oedipus type deal.

Any help?

Reading Last Night

went really well. Everyone's assistant was there. What's that, you're someone's assistant and you weren't there. Well I hope you come next time.

And I'm not deriding in any way. I too am someone's assistant.

---

But what I was trying to say was that the reading went well, but not so well that I wasn't just a bit depressed afterwards--I couldn't help but feeling I could have written it better. I could have tightened it tighter, I could have hung it looser or cut that stage direction or that scene. And while I'm on the subject of writing, why am I not writing right now? Writing something far better. Oh, I have to figure it out? FIGURE IT OUT, already! Jeez.

But what I was saying is that the actors were great and the reading was mentioned twice in playbill so there was an audience there. I was working with a smart capable director and the ARS Nova facilities and staff are a cut above a cut above. Have you been to this place? I'm used to having readings in the hallway of my friend's uncle. Everyone has to get up when someone wants to enter or exit their apartment. This was more like a posh hotel for plays. It's what I imagine England is like. (I'm sure I'll be dissapointed.) But the offices and the stage and everything was beautiful.

And they gave us Tshirts afterwards.